THE SIMPSONS: Lisa, the Vampire Slayer
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Onto each generation is born a Slayer and she alone must fight the demons and her brother. In the idea of my fanfiction of "Scrubs: The Next Generation" where I took the cast of "Scrubs" and replaced the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" with them, I bring you "Lisa, the Vampire Slayer".
1. Chapter 1

We see an overhead view of the Simpsons' home on a sunny week day morning. The view switches to the kitchen where the kids are wolfing down foodas Marge prepares school lunches.

Abe sits down with a half-gallon of milk, "You know, back in my day we used to chew our food."

"Wel, this is our day, gramps, and we have to make the bus," Bart says while still eating food.

"Pah – bush smush! Why, back in my day we had to walk to school fifteen miles through the snow. Of course back then there weren't that many roads, but rather dirt paths well worn. The year ws nineteen dickety two…"

"Dickety," Bart says to Lisa, who then laughs.

"Me and my friends would trudge through three feet of snow, of course back then we didn't call it 'snow' but rather cloud dandruff. Back then when you had dandruff there weren't any of these fancy shampoos to alleviate it, so you dealt with it. Having dandruff was considered a sign of age and wisdom. Often we'd count our flakes and see who had the mo-"

"Marge! Have you seen my car keys?" Homer bellows out as he enters the kitchen.

"Great story, grandpa," Bart says sarcastically, "Could have used a vampire though."

"Have you checked your pants' pockets, Homie?"

Homer digs around in his pants and pulls out the keys, "Oh, yeah."

"Running late again, huh Homer? Back in my day we used to show up half an hour early for work. It was called wooorrrk ethiiic. And for five consecutive years of being early so I could clock in precisely at eight, my boss gave me a three-cent raise."

"Why is he still here?" Homer asks Marge.

"Hey! I may be partially blind, balding, old, and forgetful, and … what was I talking about?"

Lisa says to him, "I think you were going to tell him you're not deaf, grandpa."

"Exactly! I'm not deaf, you big oaf! That place isn't safe; people keep dying there."

"Earth to dad: that's where old people are supposed to die. Peacefully and quietly in the comfort of their own bed away from loved ones who have to normally deal with it."

"No, _mysterious_ deaths…" says Abe.

"So what? Dead is dead at that general age. Clippity clip!" Homer says when he clips his clip-on tie to his work shirt.

"Clearly all those old dudes were one day away from retirement," says Bart.

"Agh! Granpa, I don't want you talking about mass murder in front of the children," Marge orders, briefly stopping from bagging their lunches.

"How'd they die, grandpa?" Lisa asks.

"A mysterious rash of barbeque fork neck wounds! Though some say salad forks."

"Here, Homer," Marge hands him a sacked lunch.

"Yoink! Thank you. I'm outta here," he kisses her and leaves the kitchen. He then pops his head back in, "And dad, try not to permanently terrify my damn wiener kids," and he then leaves.

"Makes sense to me, grandpa; I've always advocated for the elimination of salad," Bart says. "If only people had listened to me, all those old folks would still be alive and yelling at me to get off their lawn."

Marge pushes the bread edges cut off the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she made, onto the kitchen floor, where Snowball II and Santa's Little Helper fight over them. She picks up the lunch boxes and walks over to Bart and Lisa who have finished breakfast.

"Here are your lunches, kids."

"Thanks mom."

"Thank mom," Lisa also says.

They dash out to the living room for their backpacks. Marge helps Bart put his backpack on.

"Bart, be good at school today and try not to set anything on fire."

"I promise to make a vigilant effort."

The sounds of the school bus stopping and the horn honking is head.

Marge stops Lisa before she darts out, "Now, Lisa, normally I only have to tell Bart that, but please try not to set anything on fire again."

"I know, mom…"

"Uuummmph!" she hugs Lisa, "Have fun at school today."

"I will!" Lisa runs out to the bus.

.

CUT TO: The nuclear power plant. Crows buzz around it, as well as bats. We see Burns' empty office. The view sinks downward, going by floors of halls, a crawl space with wooden boxes marked WELLS FARGO and gold coins spilled out, a basement level with dripping glowing green radioactive material, and finally several feet under a two-story secret lair built with old gray cinder blocks and adorned with candles everywhere.

Smithers walks around slowly lighting more candles as he chants.

"The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake…"

He stops at a pool of blood.

"The sleeper will wake," he says again. His wrist watch beeps he looks at it and sees a time of 7:40 am. "And the world will bleed."

The pool begins steadily bubbling. Mr. Burns rises slowly out of it in his pajamas; none of the blood soaks him or the pajamas.

"Rise and shine, sir."

"Smithers, this blood isn't bubbling nearly as much as it should."

"I'll have the nozzles checked, sir."

"I'm hungry. Bring me something … young."

"All ready waiting for you in your office, sir."

"Excellent…" Burns says as he enters a secret elevator to go up.

"Sir, could I take the elevator up this time? I hit my knee this morning and-"

"No. I like to spread my legs," he presses a button and the doors shut quickly.

.

The halls of Springfield Elementary bustle with chatter and activity. Skinner makes his way through, keeping an eye on things.

"No running through the halls! Nelson, don't chew crud in the school."

"Bite me, Skinner."

"Young man, if this was the jungles of Nam and not the halls of an elementary school, you'd be regretting those words right now."

He then looks around and sees Mrs. Krabbapel.

"Good morning, Edna. Ready for another semester of failing grades, poor excuses, and mysterious student deaths?"

"Eh, as long as I get my pension, I can take all those things in spades," she walks off.

Skinner looks down apathetically, "God, every day here is the same," he then sees Lisa walk by, "Oh, Lisa Simpson. Can I see you in my office?"

"Yes, Principal Skinner," Lisa says with a voice indicating this was already expected.

.

Skinner sits down behind his desk. Lisa waits patiently in a chair opposite him.

"Now, Bart – ah-heh – sorry about that, force of habit. Lisa, this is your permanent record from last semester," he holds some sheets of paper.

"Eeooowww…" she winces slightly at the site of having such a record.

"I just wanted to say here at Springfield Elementary, we believe in our students," he rips the papers in half and continues ripping them as he speaks, "And so a fresh semester should be a fresh start. I have faith you'll continue to be a model student who gets high grades and doesn't burn the gym down again."

"That gym was full of vampi…" she trails off and quickly corrects herself, "Asbestos."

"Well, the insurance money was nice, but next time leave building-related health concerns to us. Anyway, clean slate, Lisa."

"Thank you, Principal Skinner."

"Ah huh. Now hurry on to your locker – not too much longer before the bell rings."

"Yes, sir!" she dashes off.

He gets up and follows her out, staying at the doorway to continue keeping an eye on the students. Willie walks by. "Ah, Willie, top of the morning to ya."

"I'm Scottish, not Irish, ya two-bit bath-takin', pants wearin' willie hugger."

"Ah huh. So Willie, any dead students or faculty this morning?"

"Not yet, but the day is young. What was that wee lass so happy about?" asks Willie.

"Oh, Lisa Simpson? Ha – I told her that her permanent record from last semester was null and void."

"Don't'cha still keep digital and photo copies of 'em?" Willie asks.

"Of course. Silly students. The permanent record never … goes … away. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ," he breaths in, "Mercy."

.

Lisa sits in class and begins setting her supplies out. Sherri and Terri enter. They sit in a row beside her.

"Hey, Lisa," says Terri.

"Sherri, Terri," Lisa says in an annoyed voice.

"Heard we got a new gym," says Sherri.

"Yeah. Normally kids play in the gym and not burn it down," says Terri.

"You don't say…" Lisa says as she lays out two pencils and a pencil sharpener.

"Ah huh. Say Lisa, nice dress," says Sherri.

"Looks amazingly like the one you wore last year. I didn't know we had any antique 1990's apparel stores," says Terri.

"How delightfully retro," says Sherri.

"Uuummm…" Lisa mumbles and gets up to sharpen her pencils instead of sitting there and taking more verbal abuse, "Stupid Sherri, stupid Terri; wish you were vampires so I could stake you…"

"Hi, Lisa, I'm learnding," says Ralph as she passes him by.

The door opens and misses Hoover walks in.

"Hello, children, welcome back to school, hope you had a good vacation, yadda yadda yadda, please come to the front to collect your new book," Hoover says nonchalantly in a near monotone voice.

.

Later that day. The bell rings indicating recess. Kids pour out of classrooms to dump their books in their lockers. Bart stops by Lisa and dumps his books in a trashcan.

"Hey, Lis'."

"Bart, can't you put your books in your locker like everybody else?"

"I could, but this is faster. I'll get 'em after recess; it's not like anyone's gonna steal school books. So, who'd you get for History this year?"

"Misses Hoover. How about you?"

"Mrs. Krabbappel. Funny how we seem to get them every year. Come on, I've dared Milhouse to chuck rocks at the bats to see if they'll attack him."

"I can't, Bart; I'm going to the library to see what new books they've gotten in this year," she says as she puts books in her backpack for the next classes. "Wanna come?"

"The _library?_ No thanks, me think very good," he helps her put her backpack on.

"Your loss. Bye!" she springs away fast.

Something falls out of a pouch on her backpack that she forgot to zip up in her excitement.

"Hey, Lia, you forgot your…" he picks it up and looks at what is a thick wooden stake with a honed point, "stake?" he then shoves it in his backpack in the trashcan, "Cool. I thought I was the only one bringing weapons to school."

.

Lisa pushes one of the swinging library doors open and walks over to the main desk.

"Mrs. Mercer," Lisa calls out. She waits patiently.

"Hello, Lisa," Martin says to her.

"Mrs. Mercer," she says again, looking around; Martin is the only other patron. "Mrs. Mercer?" she calls out louder.

Just as she's turning to head to a desk to set her backpack down, she hears a male voice.

"Why hello," says a man with black hair; on his head a brown cowboy hat and on his back a guitar.

"Hi, where is Mrs. Mercer?"

"Oh, Mrs. Mercer retired. Permanently."

"Who are you?" Lisa asks.

"I'm Mr. Bergstrom," he replies; rattling spurs can be heard when he steps forward and extends a hand down to her.

"Nice to meet you," she shakes his hand.

Martin leaves the library.

"You must be Lisa Simpson."

"How did you know my name?"

"I make it a point to know the names of all the patrons. What can I help you with?"

"I was looking for a book…"

"Ah, yes, I believe I know just the book you're looking for…"

He disappears behind the main desk and we hear some ruffling. He then stands back up and steps over to the kid-level desk counter and slams a heavy and thick old brown book down; there is a dramatic music stab as she reads it.

In faded yellow letters it reads KWYJIBO.

"Huh?" she says.

"Oh, sorry, wrong book. Hold on…" he disappears again and then comes up with another heavy and thick old brown book which he also slams down as we hear the dramatic music stab again.

Lisa reads the second book title, also in faded yellow letters that reads VAMPYR, "No … no, that's not what I was looking for…"

"Are you sure?" Bergstrom asks.

"Yes."

"My mistake," he puts the book away.

Lisa runs out of the library.

"Huh. Maybe I should have played her a song first."


	2. Chapter 2

Sherri and Terri enter the girl's locker room, wearing their gym cloths.

"So then I was like – Calvin Klein? That's so 1990's," says Sherri.

"Good one; I hope she cried," Terri says ad she works the combination lock on her locker, numbered A113.

"She did."

"Sweet," she opens the locker and a dead kid falls out. " _AAAGGGHHH!_ "

.

Skinner writes the number "1" on a marker board that reads: Days without Mysterious Deaths.

"A little premature, aren't you, Seymour?" Edna says, sitting in his office eating while gym is finishing.

"There are no dead students here. This week."

The door bursts open.

Martin huffs, "Principle Skinner – the girls are screaming most profusely that they have found a dead student in the women's locker room! You must come post haste!" Martin hurries away.

Skinner takes a deep breath and exhales as she erases the "1" and draws the number zero in its place.

.

Lisa runs into the locker room and to the dead body. She looks at the neck and finds two holes.

"Oh, no, not again…" she says in a low voice.

Skinner comes running in; the school nurse waddles in casually after Skinner has already.

"Darn it – it's getting harder and harder to explain all these sudden parent/teacher meetings to the Super Intendant," says Skinner.

"Principle Skinner," says Terri, "Lisa was touching the body."

"Miss Simpsons, I'd prefer if you didn't touch the dead bodies. And make sure you wash your hands before heading back to class."

Lunch Lady Doris lets go of an arm she lifted up to feel the pulse of.

"Well, Lunch Lady Doris?" Skinner asks.

"In my professional opinion, this kid is dead."

"Are you sure?"

"What do I look like – a medical professional? Now if you'll excuse me, I have Grade B gruel to prepare," she leaves the locker room.

Lisa makes her way out of the locker room, too. As she exits, Chief Wiggum backs into the women's locker room.

"Okay, nothing to see here, nothing to see here, move along, nothing to s – _WHOA!_ A dead body! Cool. Everybody crowd around and gawk at the blue cold dead body!"

.

Lisa whacks a library door open just as Bergstrom exits from a back room behind the main desk.

"Okay, Sherri and Terri found a stiff one in the locker room."

"Ah, well, Lisa, boys at a certain age-"

"The women's locker room."

"Oh. OH. I presume a student."

"Yes," Lisa answers.

"And he or she was completely dead?"

"As opposed to just a little dead _dead_?"

"If the child drank in turn, he or she will rise tonight."

"I know. To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood, then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing."

"That's not quite how I would phrase it, but yes," says Bergstrom.

"Now Principle Skinner and chief Wiggum are dealing with it and my reputation isn't getting any better and why am I telling you this? I got a class to go to," she turns to leave.

Bergstrom follows her to the doors and grabs her by a shoulder, "Because you are the Slayer. Onto each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a chosen one. One born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires. With a sworn duty-"

"To vanquish all evil and protect mankind. Do all Watchers have that line memorized? It's not my problem anymore; find the next girl in line."

"It doesn't work that way, Lisa. In order for the next Slayer to be called, the active Slayer must die. Everything you ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day … they're all real."

Lisa walks out one of the swinging double doors; Bergstrom follows her out.

Bart walks out from behind a bookshelf in a section marked the Occult.

" _What?_ " he says in surprise.

He opens a book and ghostly head rise and fall from the pages.

"Evil…" one voice says.

"Evil…" a second voice says.

"Maaadnesss…" a third voice says.

"Beware…" the first voice says.

"Beware…" the second voice says.

He shuts the book.

"Ouch!"

"Ouch!"

"Ouch!"

.

Mr. Burns suits at his desk, sipping blood through a straw which is sticking out of a hole in the neck of a young man. Smithers enters the office and locks the door behind him.

"Today's copy of the New York Times, sir. Where do you want it?"

"Uuummm, just set it on top of the corpse. Ah, the New York Times – the paper of choice of vampires," he scans over it.

"Make sure you check out Ziggy today; it's particularly funny."

"Um, yes. You know, Smithers, I grow weary of the day-to-day monotony. Being limited to only the power plant and my mansion because of the wretched magical barrier from here to my secret underground tunnel to my mansion, has made me restless. Confound it, I'm sucking air again; Smithers, handle it."

"Yes, sir," Smithers says. One at-a-time he forcefully cracks each rigormortis-set leg on the corpse _up_ so that the blood will drain down. He then wraps a couple of heating pads around them to keep the blood warm.

"I need some excitement," says Burns.

"Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?"

"No, I'm thinking of something _apocalyptic_."

"Well, there's always the tried-and-true plague or pestilence."

"Oh, those are so passé. Every two-bit demon with some kind of power or sway tries them at some point. No, I have something more _nefarious_ in motion."

"Sir, you started an evil dastardly plan without me? But I love evil dastardly plans."

"Oh, soon you will know exactly what I have in mind. Smithers, can you get me a lime wedge to go with this blood?"

"As you wish, sir," Smithers turns quickly to fetch one.

Mr. Burns hears a squeaking at one of the darkened sun-blocking balcony doors. He gets up and opens the door, staying behind it so as to not be in direct contact with sun light. A small black bad flies in and Burns closes the door.

"Oh, why hello my fellow blood-sucking creature of the night; how are you?"

"squeak squeak squeak squeak."

"Threw rocks at you? Where?"

"squeak squeak squeak."

"I see. And who was the culprit?"

"squeakhouse squeak!"

"I see…"

.

Bart and Lisa exit the school bus.

"Bye, Otto," says Bart.

"Catch you later, Bart dude."

The bus drives off. Bart catches up to Lisa as they walk up to their home.

"Hey, Lis'."

"No, Bart, I'm not going to do your homework for you, even if you bribe me again with five dollars."

"Nah, I'll half-ass it as usual. Earlier today in school you dropped your stake," he pulls the thick wooden stake out of his backpack.

"Huh – Mr. Pointy!"

"Earth to Lisa: Don't name you murder weapon – eventually you'll have to ditch it."

"Gimmie that!" she yanks it from his hand and shoves it in her backpack.

"You became a superhero and didn't' tell me?"

"That's because I'm not supposed to. And you can't tell anybody, not even mom and dad."

"So, when do we get to go out and kill things?"

"Evil things," Lisa corrects.

"Right, kill evil things."

"You don't," she opens the front door and enters; Bart follows and closes the door.

Abe is on the couch watching TV.

"Hi, Bart, I accidentally used your toothbrush as a back scratcher."

"Eyhuhuhu…" Bart shudders as Lisa runs upstairs; he follows.

"Hi kids!" Marge calls out from elsewhere in the house.

Bart follows Lisa into her room, "If nobody can know, then how come cowboy hat guy in the library knows?"

"You were spying on me?"

"No, I was in the Occult section learning how to turn Milhouse into a frog and I overheard you two talking."

"Well, he's different; he's my Watcher."

"So he just stands around and watches while you do all the hard work? Pretty sweet gig."

"No, he guides me and trains me."

"Oh. Because I was going to say: if you need somebody to just watch you, I see groundkeeper Willie watching people from behind bushes sometimes."

"Bart, I alone must kill the demons. And I have homework to do, so get out!" she shoves him out.

"Fine then. I don't want to be in your-" she slams the door on him, "stupid Slayerette's club anyway," he grumbles annoyedly as he walks off.

Bart enters his room and takes his backpack off.

"Stupid Lisa and her stupid Hee Haw Watcher. I don't need any of them."

"Milhouse to Bart, Milhouse to Bart," Milhouse's voice sounds off from Bart's Krusty the Clown walkie talkie.

Bart picks up the walkie talkie and presses down the SEND button, "Hey, Milhouse, what's up?"

"Bart, you'll never guess what!"

"What?"

"No, guess."

"You found a bag of money?"

"No, guess again."

"You touched a boobie?"

"Even better!"

"Milhouse, just tell me already."

"Okay. I won a dirt bike!"

"Whoa, how'd you do that?"

"From some contest Mr. Burns ran that I don't recall even entering. Yeah, I'm going over to his mansion now to collect it."

"Cool, can I come?"

"Sorry, Bart, Mr. Burns specifically said not to tell anybody, especially my parents. And to wash my neck. Gotta go!"

"Oh. Well, have fun," he then switches off his walkie talkie. "Stupid Milhouse and his stupid free bike," he grumbles.

.

Milhouse stops at the front doors to Mr. Burns mansion. He rings the doorbell and hops up and down excitedly. He impatiently rings it again. One of the doors opens to reveal Mr. Smithers.

"Montgomery Burns' residence. Can I help you?"

"Yeah, Milhouse Van Houten. I'm here for the free dirt bike!"

"Oh, yes," he steps to a side, "come right in."

Milhouse enters, "So, where is it?"

"It's downstairs, in…" we hear a dramatic music built and get a dramatic close up of his face with moody light, "the basement…" he then shuts the door and the moody light and close up goes reverts back to normal.

"Cool!"

Milhouse follows Smithers.

CUT TO: Milhouse walking down a winding cement staircase.

"Yeah! Everything's coming up Milhouse!"

He stops when he sees a metal sign with black lettering and a lever. It reads: SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE.

"Super fun happy slide,," he reads it aloud. "Huh. Well, I'll be the judge of that!"

He pulls the lever down and the staircase steps move and create a single flat surface, which he falls backwards on and slides down.

"Wooowww! Yeah-ha-ha! Wwweeeee!" he sees Mr. Burns standing at the end with his fangs out and in his red robe, fingers touching each other and a small soccer net at the end to catch him. "Ut oh!"

Milhouse slides into the net.

"Goal!" Smithers yells out from behind Burns, having taken an elevator down.

"So my fat little friend, like throwing rocks at bats, do you?"

"I'm not fat, I suffer from regular bloating!"

"Oh hoho, you're the fattest kid I've ever seen, and I've been on Lion King safari at Disneyland. Now hold still while I suck your blood."

"Huh – is this the untimely end of Milhouse?" Milhouse says aloud.

"Yes!" Burns bends down and tries to bite Milhouse on the neck through the net, "Uhahaha, uha. Uuuunnnaaahhh. Smithers, can't … break … the … epidermis."

"Here, sir, use my Hawaiian Punch drink box sippy straw."

"Ooph! Ooph! Ooph! Go … in! UUUMPH!" he finally stabs into Milhouse's neck.

"Ow! You've penetrated me!"

"Uuummm…" Smithers grumbles disapprovingly.

Burns sips, "Um, got that youthful pizzazz."

"Say, this isn't that bad. Feels pretty good," says Milhouse.

"Stop enjoying it!" Smithers blurts out, whacking Milhouse with a candle-lighting rod aide.

Burns stops, "Ah, yes, I can feel the youth and innocence flowing through my veins."

Milhouse makes his way out from the net, "Okay, now let me suck you!"

"Oh, very well. Normally I don't sire."

Milhouse bites in and sucks on one of Mr. Burns' wrists, "Delicious. Wow, I could do every day!"

"All right, that's enough!" Smithers bellows.

"Now go forth and multiply my fat little friend!"

"Yeah!" Milhouse exclaims. He runs up the staircase after pushing a lever up at the bottom of the stairs.

.

Bart tosses and turns in his sleep; he mumbles.

"Everything is stupid…"

Outside his bedroom window a thick airy cloud of white smoke appears. Milhouse appears through the smoke and scratches at Bart's bedroom window.

Bart wakes up and sees Milhouse still scratching at the window, "Batman?" he then rubs his eyes to look again.

He gets out of bed and slowly walks to the window and opens it slowly as well. He backs off a few feet and Milhouse flies in.

"Hey, Bart."

"Whoooaaa! You can fly now? That must have been some dirt bike. Speaking of the dirt bike, where's the dirt bike?"

"Screw the dirt bike! I've got something way cooler," says Milhouse.

"I seriously doubt it," says Bart.

"Check this out!" Milhouse says. He opens his mouth and two fangs slide down.

"Cool – you're a vampire."

"I'm living, but I'm dead. I'm grammatically incongruent!"

"Say, now that you can fly, you probably won't be needing that dirt bike, huh?"

"There wasn't a dirt bike, Bart," Milhouse says as he lands on the floor.

"Oh," Bart says in a disappointed voice.

"How'd you like to be a vampire, too?"

"Will I be able to fly?"

"Yeah."

"Cool, I could poop on people's cars like a bird…"

"All you have to do is let me suck your blood. Then afterwards you suck mine."

"I guess…"

"Hold still while I bite you."

"Isn't that like getting _two_ shots at once?" asks Bart.

"Here I go…"

"Hey. On the neck? Are you gonna give me a hickey?"

"Bart, that's where one of the major arteries is. Weren't you paying attention in biology class?"

"Un, not really."

"Well, I could bite a thigh."

"Keep it above the belt, vamp boy. OW! Quit it!" he draws away.

Milhouse tries again.

"OW! Quit it," he draws away again.

"Stop moving!"

The door to Bart's room opens and Lisa walks in, also in her pajamas.

"Bart, what's going on in here, I can hear you— _HUH!_ " she sees Milhouse and his fangs.

"Oh, hey Lisa," Milhouse casually comments.

Lisa reaches down her pajamas and grabs on to a Christian cross hanging around her neck; she pulls it over her head and holds the cross out at Milhouse, commanding, "Get off my brother!"

Milhouse turns his head and hisses, "Does this mean we can't go out sometime?"

"Get out! Get out! _Get out!_ " she commands, chasing him out the window. She locks it.

"Bart, vampires can only come in if you invite them. Now Milhouse can come in whenever he wants."

"Oops. Sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

Mr. Burns sits in his office on Saturday. Smithers walks over and sets a silver platter with a wine glass full of blood and a lime wedge on the rim.

"Your morning blood, sir."

"Did you remember how I like it?"

"Yes, sir; freshly drained from innocent young children"

"Excellent."

"Sir, about that plan you had."

"Oh, yes. On the third day of the newest light will come the Blockage."

Low key dramatic music swells.

"Do you need me to call your proctologist again?"

"What? No! the Blockage is my plan. But first I need the strength to break this cursed mystical barrier."

"Could you tell me what the plan is?"

"Not yet; I'm building to a dramatic reveal."

"If you think that's best. Sir, would you like some Soylent Green to go along with that blood?"

"Yes, please."

.

Homer lays on the living room couch watching TV. Lisa walks downstairs; Bart is behind her.

"Bye, dad. Tell mom we're going to the school library to study."

"What? School on Saturday?" Bart says in shock.

"All right. Try not to burn it down, kids," says Homer.

The front door shuts. Homer takes a sip of beer. He flips the channel and stops on an info-mercial that's just started.

"Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure! You might remember me from such info-mercials as: 'Gouda Knife: Cut the Cheese with Ease' and 'Fix-A-Dimple: The Unsightly Dimple Remover'. Let's face it – every day we make sure our teeth are shiny, our faces are shiny clean, and even our nails shine," he holds out his fingers to the camera and his finger nails twinkle reflected studio lights, "but how often do you ever think about your neck. A dirty neck can lead to serious health issues. Just ask building-renowned medical person, Dr. Nick Riviera!"

Nick walks on stage, "Hello everybody!"

"Hi, Dr. Nick!" the audience shouts in unison, reading off a teleprompter.

"Neck shinage is a serious problem."

"Really?" Troy puts a hand on his face in surprise, "Tell us more."

"Dirty necks are ugly and swimming with diseases."

"Oh, no – I sort of have a neck!" Homer exclaims.

"Imagine you're making out with your significant other and he or she gives you a hickey. Well, those germs on your neck give he or she Neckatitus and that person can die!"

"We certainly wouldn't want that," says Troy.

"Luckily, there is a way to prevent that."

"Whew!" Homer exclaims.

"Tell us more," says Troy.

"That's why I sold out and invented this product," Nick motions to a device on a table on the stage next to them, "the NeckWow! Now you can clean and buff your way to a healthier and shinier bitable neck!" fangs briefly come down in his mouth, "Oh, excuse me for a second," he turns his head and covers his mouth; the fangs retract.

"Wow! Truly we're in the 20th century now. Show us how it works."

"Sure. Like own on this cold hard table, belly down," Nick says as he removes the NeckWow and box from the table.

Troy mumbles, "Is this covered by my union?" he says as he climbs up. He lies down and bends his arm to bring the microphone to his face, "I'm ready, doctor, work that magic."

"Sure! Though I can't legally acknowledge being a doctor in this state currently. But, details! First you spray this patent-pending neck cleaner on your neck," he sprays a liquid on Troy's neck.

"Ow, my eyes! I mean," Troy blinks with redness in his eyeballs, "wow – what a powerful cleaner!"

"Then you scrub it with a rag," Nick looks around and doesn't see a rag, so he pulls up Troy's shirt collar and uses it to clean Troy's neck. "Now your neck is so clean you could eat off it."

"Uuum, uuum. Now what?"

"Now I'll just turn on the NeckWow to begin the buffering action. You may hear a moderate noise."

Nick turns it on and the buffer pad spins as the machine roars loudly.

"Wow, its whisper quiet!" Troy shouts over the loud roar.

"Now don't move…" Nick warns. He puts it to Troy's neck.

"OW! **Dear God** … what buffering action."

Nick works it for about a thirty seconds and then stops, cutting a NeckWow off. Troy climbs off the table.

"Check out the results," Nick says, holding a large hand mirror up so Troy can see his neck.

"Quoth the raven: What a shiiine!"

The audience claps when the word "Applause" lights up on a sign.

"How much would you pay for a neck that's so shinny you can see God in it?" asks Troy.

"Oh, surely enough to get me a Delorean and a mansion with dark-tinted windows! Fifty-nine ninety-nine!" says Nick.

"Yes!" Homer shouts at the TV.

"Or twenty-nine ninety-seven!" says Troy.

"Yes!" Homer again shouts.

"Ninety-nine dollars would be even better," says Nick.

"Yes!" Homer exclaims again, fishing out his credit card.

"All fair prices, but if you call now, the NeckWow can be yours for twenty-nine ninety-eight! But again you have to call ….. _**NOW!**_ " Troy shouts quickly.

" **HUH!** " Homer lunges for the landline phone next to the couch on a table; he picks up the receiver and starts mashing buttons.

DEW DAH DEE three tones sound, followed by a female operator voice, "I'm sorry, the fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the key pad with your palm now."

Homer hangs up the phone and takes a deep breath, "Calm down, brain. Cooperate with my fingers and I promise not to kill too many brain cells tonight at Moe's."

.

Lisa and Bart walks to the school library. Skinner exits a room.

"Young man, get back to after-school detention!"

"But I'm not in detention this weekend."

"You're not?" he looks at Lisa for confirmation.

"No," says Bart.

"Oh, my mistake. Carry on."

"What, what are you doing in school? It's a Saturday," Bart asks.

"My online date cancelled and blocked my e-mail. And mother is on a tear about her damn inflatable bath pillow again."

"Oh," says Bart.

Lisa drags Bart away.

"Kind of sorry I asked," says Bart.

They enter the library.

"Mr. Bergstrom!" Lisa calls out.

Bergstrom steps out from behind a book shelf row.

"What is it, Lisa?"

"My brother's best friend is a vampire and he invited him into our home! What do I do?"

"Well, Lisa, I don't know why you would think I possess such knowledge; I'm just your friendly school librarian."

"It's okay – Bart already knows I'm a Slayer."

"Lisa, you're not supposed to reveal that to anyone. Even Batman knows how to keeps a secret identify."

Bart interjects, "Oh, please; Dick Grayson and Alfred the butler – that's twice as many as Lisa."

"I didn't tell him, he found out on his own. So, what do I do?"

"Now, Lisa, you're the Slayer; I think it's pretty obvious what you have to do."

"You mean … I have to slay Milhouse?"

Whoa, hold. Milhouse still owes me five bucks. Can you wait until he pays me back?"

"But I know Milhouse. I can't kill him," says Lisa.

"Lisa," Bergstrom says, getting down on a knee to be close to her level, "vampires aren't just people you're friends with. They can be relatives, family, your mom and your dad. What façade you see is merely an empty shell inhabited by a demon. And that demon, whatever body it be in, must be killed."

"I didn't realize being a slayer would be so taxing. I thought it would be witty one-liners and staking weirdos. And maybe a future boyfriend so I don't have to break up with him."

"Oh, I'm sorry you had to grow up so fast. How about a song to make you feel better?" he removes his guitar.

"Oom, oom – do _Dueling Banjos_!" Bart exclaims.

Bergstrom looks at Lisa.

"You'll have to excuse my brother, he's … s-t-u-p-i-d," she spells out the word 'Stupid'.

"Stoid?" Bart comments.

"Ah, Bergstrom stand up and lays his guitar on a reading table, "Lisa, I'm glad you're here. I've been consulting the books and it turns out Springfield was built on a Hellmouth. It's no coincidence you are here, it's no accident that so many odd occurrences happen in this town."

"So, all the vampires, werewolves, demons and lawyers are drawn to the Hellmouth?" Bart asks.

"Correct, Bart. Unpleasant things do gravitate here," says Bergstrom.

"Big deal. We find, you slay, we party," says Bart.

"I'm afraid it's not as simple as that," says Bergstrom.

"Oh. Does it involve algebra?" asks Bart.

"What is it?" Lisa inquires.

"According to my studious research, something is coming; something is going to happen here, soon."

"Gee, could you vague that up for me?" Lisa says with some sarcasm.

"Ha ha ha," he pats Lis on the head, "You're just adorable."

"So, what do I do?"

"Nothing at the moment. We'll just have to wait for further details to reveal themselves. In the meantime after school I shall begin training you in the use 0f various weapons. Also, you must eliminate Milhouse before he turns anyone else."

.

Milhouse's mom knocks on the door to Milhouse's bedroom.

"Milhouse, you have a visitor," Luann calls out.

"Just a moment, mom," Milhouse calls back. He flies back down to his bed from laying on the ceiling. "Come in."

"Hi Milhouse," Bart says after walking in from behind the door.

"You kids have fun," Luann says; she leaves and goes downstairs.

"Bart! Sorry about last night. I'm still practicing and-"

"Sorry, Milhouse," Bart says in a solemn voice as he pushes the door open to reveal Lisa.

"Agh!" Milhouse exclaims; he pulls his bedsheets over him to his chest.

Lisa walks in holding a big wooden cross.

"I apologize in advance, Milhouse, but I have to kill you. Nothing persona," she pulls out her stake and leaps at him. Bart closes the door.

"No!" Milhouse yells. He flies up to the ceiling.

"Bart, give me the Super Soaker filled with holy water."

Bart walks over and hands Lisa the Super Soaker after she hands him the stake.

"Judas," Milhouse says to Bart,

"Sorry, Milhouse, but I can't allow you to kill anybody or sire other vampires," Lisa repeatedly pumps it and fires at Milhouse.

"Agh!" he flies around wildly. She keeps following him around with the stream.

"You're only prolonging the inevitable!" Lisa shouts at him.

"Ow!" Milhouse says when he opens the curtains and is exposed to sunlight, "Forgot about that."

"Bart – you take the Super Soaker and wet the entire ceiling; I'll try to stake him."

Bart reluctantly does as Lisa orders.

"You can't stay up there forever!" she swings the stake when Milhouse flies by.

"But I haven't even bitten anybody!"

"A likely story!" Lisa exclaims.

"They won't let me!"

Bart stops spraying, "Wait a minute, Lis', let's hear him out."

"All right. You have one minute while I think of a way to get you."

"Milhouse," says Bart, "what do you mean they won't let you?"

"I've tried. Everybody I ask says 'No'. No matter how nicely I ask."

"How come you don't just force them?" Lisa asks.

"I'm nine and my mom would ground me. I like living above ground and watching TV."

Lisa asks suspiciously, "Then how are you surviving? Vampires have to have blood to survive."

"I'm buying blood bags. I got the idea from the 'Forever Knight' TV series."

"Lisa, you can't kill Milhouse, he's a good vampire. If there be such a thing," says Bart.

"You're right, Bart, I can't kill him. I believe him when he says he's not attacked anyone. Tell you what, Milhouse, you keep drinking paid-for bags of blood only, and I'll let you live."

"Really?" Milhouse asks; he lands on his bed.

"Yes."

"All right! Thanks, Bart!"

"See, Lis'? Sometimes you just got to have a little fai-"

"Hey, will either of you let me suck your blood?"

"Nooo!" Lisa bellows.

"Milhouse, your timing just couldn't be any worse."

.

Later that day. Smithers opens one of the large mansion doors to Mr. Burns place.

"Yeah, ah, we're like here for those free dirt bikes," says Jimbo.

"Of course, come in Nelson, Jimbo, Kearney," he steps to the side.

"Where's the real silverware kept?" Kearney orders.

"Safely hidden in a secret undisclosed location," Smithers then closes and locks the doors.

"Whoa, this place is huge; this is way better than Dolph staying home to play his gay guitar," says Jimbo.

"Make a mental note to rob McDuck palace later," Nelson orders.

"Hey, look, a bat!" Jimbo says, pointing upward.

They look up and as the black bat descends with its wings spread outward, it morphs into Mr. Burns; the wings become a royal red long robe, which the lights on the chandelier mildly shine threw. The robe – held outward by Burns, slows his descent to the floor, but does not, however, detract from the fact that underneath he is wearing nothing but a pair of white boxers. He gently lands feet first on the floor and we hear multiple bones creek and break.

"Oh I'm going to be sore tomorrow," Burns says.

"Wow, you're like a mighty morphin' vampire!" Jimbo exclaims in amazement.

Nelson says in a non-caring voice, "All right, vamps, hand over the dirt bikes. And your wallet."

"Oh hoh, I like the cut of your jig, ah…"

"Nelson Muntz, sir; unchallenged supreme bully of Springfield Elementary."

"Ah, yes, I remember. I hate to burst your whimsical flights of fancy, but there are not dirt bikes."

"Heyyy, Springfield's most notorious liar lied to us," says Kearney.

"Ah, my reputation proceeds me. While there are no bipedular means of locomotion, I do, however, offer you something far greater."

"We're listening, "Nelson says.

"How would you like to be immortal and live forever? Where the only ways you can be killed are sunlight, fire, stake through the heart and decapitation?"

"You mean we can, like, get short and not die?" Jimbo asks.

"That's correct. Unless it's a silver bullet through the heart."

"I sense a favor wanted. What's the catch?" Kearney asks.

"Oh, nothing much, really, I suck your blood, you suck mine and then you walk around as my Vessels and slaughter innocents so that I might break free and terrorize the world."

"Sounds like a deal to me," says Nelson, "those innocents have it coming anyway. What about you guys?" Nelson asks Jimbo and Kearney.

"Yeah," says Kearney.

"Sounds good to me," says Jimbo.

"Excellent. Form a line; one-at-a-time."

"Nelson walks up.

"Now just roll your head to a side to expose that sweet succulent neck."

"Hey – don't get all fruity on me," says Nelson.

" _Shut up while I'm eating_ ," his fangs lower and he tries to bite Nelson. "Eh … ehhh … ooph, blasted thin layer of skin! Smithers, push me in."

"Yes, sir," Smithers replies as he walks over. He pushes gently down on Mr. Burns' head until he feels the fangs break threw (sounding like bites into a watermelon).

"Ow. I never realized pain could be so painful," says Nelson.

Burns sucks his blood, then stops. Burns offers his wrist and Nelson bites him with his newly-created fans and drinks. Jimbo and Kearney each in turn do the same things.

"And now that the sun has set, go forth and wreak havoc, my Trio!"

Smithers unlocks the doors and opens one.

"All right! I'm gonna bite me an innocent!" says Jimbo.

"Catch you later, Bram Stoker," says Kearney.

Smithers closes and locks the doors.

"Sir, why can't I be your Vessel? I'm willing to suck you."

"Oh, pish-posh," Burns waves a hand, "I think of you more like my humble servant."

Smithers grumbles.

"Say, let's go to Wal-Mart and troll for unsupervised youth for me to suck dry. No one ever thinks twice when somebody comes in there dressed like some weirdo," Burns says as he unlocks the doors.

"Yes, sir. Can you at least tell me what your secret plan is now?" Smithers asks. He puts on a chauffeurs' hat.

"Uuummm … maybe later. Plus, I can't remember anyway."

Smithers sighs as he closes the door.

.

Lisa tosses and turns in bed, obviously at unease. The view zooms in on her face and cross-fades into her dream.

The streets are littered with corpses and some skulls. She walks around in blood running on the streets.

Nelson points at a corpse, "Ha ha!"

She looks around in horror and doesn't see a single person alive, until Mr. Frink runs up to her.

"Oh, Lisa, thank goodness. Have you see my Lisabot? She's malfunctioning and haywiring and what not!" he then runs off.

"Oh, no … I failed…"

Suddenly a large shadow casts across the town. She looks up and sees a round darkness covering the sun. Then it becomes night. Vampires start crawling out of sewer holes; a hand grabs one of her ankles. Lisa jolts up awake to see the sun in now up.


	4. Chapter 4

Bart stops by Lisa's bedroom.

"Come on, Lis', we gotta get to church."

Lisa puts her final shoe on and stands up, "Bart, I've never seen you so excited to go to church before."

"Well, of course; where else are we going to stock up on free crosses and holy water?"

Lisa follows him to the stairs, "Bart, I don't think that's how it works…"

Homer pulls out of the driveway once they're all buckled in.

Marge looks around, "All the kids, change of diapers, hot bottle of milk, check. Hum, can't help but feel like we've forgotten something…"

CUT OT: Inside the Simpson house. Abe walks around.

"Hellooooo? Is anybody therrre? My tooth hurts and this Ora-Gel isn't working and tastes funny," he reads the tube, "Vagisil? Never heard of that oral pain reliever brand before. Oh well," he squeezes out more on a finger and applies it to the tooth.

.

A couple of hours later. The front door opens and Marge and Homer walk in. We see the tops of Bart and Lisa's head wiz by.

"I'll go check on grandpa," Marge says.

Homer takes his light blue dress shirt off and says, "And I'll go watch TV."

Homer quickly makes his way to the television but finds Bart and Lisa already in front of it, laying on their bellies with their feet up.

"D'OH! Give me the remote, I wanna watch TV."

"Can't, we called it," says Lisa.

"No you didn't," Homer shoots back.

"Well, we are now," says Bart.

"Tough luck, dad," says Lisa, not looking away from the TV.

"Ooohhhwah – they got me with their legal mumbo jumbo," he walks passed the TV.

"Hey, down in front," says Bart.

"Shut up, boy," Homer mumbles.

On TV is Krusty the Clown.

"As many of you know," says Krusty, "Sideshow Bob holds the current record of eleven pies blown into his face by a canon!"

The kids in the audience clap.

"But since he's now cellblock mates with Jimmy Page, it's up to Sideshow Mel to break that record."

Sideshow Mel pulls down on his slide whistle for a descending note.

"How many of you would like to see him break that record with _twenty-one_ pies blown into _his_ face?!"

The audience cheers loudly, as well as Bart and Lisa.

"Corporal Punishment, snare roll if you please…"

Sideshow Mel play the whistle in a Morse code, doing S-O-S as Krusty loads the canon. Krusty lights a 4th of July sprinkler.

"Are you ready?!" Krusty yells.

" _YEEEAAAHHH!_ " the kids erupt in yells.

"Yeah, pie him!" Bart yells.

"Three … two … on…"

Suddenly the feed is cut and Bart and Lisa see the Channel Six logo.

" **AAAGGGHHH!** " Bart and Lisa cry out.

Kent stands on a street holding a microphone.

"Get away from me," he shoves a homeless guy out of the camera's view, "You win the lottery and suddenly all the commoners think they can ask-"

"We're on the air," the cameraman says in a low voice.

"I'm Kent Brockman for Channel Six news. Another local peasant was found dead, drained of his blood. Two teeth marks were on his neck. This black cape was on the scene; police are baffled.

The news feed cuts to a picture of a black cape with big red letters spelling DRACULA on it. In small letters underneath: (The Master). Then we see Wiggum.

"We think we're dealing with a supernatural being. As a precaution we've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed."

Homer says in a worried tone, "Oh no, now how will I ever learn how to walk like an Egyptian?"

Lisa stands up after Marge and Abe come in to see the news, "No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking dead!"

They all look at her.

"Nosferatu!"

They all still look at her.

"Das Wampyr!"

They all continue to look confused.

"A vampire!"

Homer briefly chuckles and says, "Heh heh heh, Lisa, vampires are make believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos."

Kent quickly says in a dispassionate voice after the live feed is back on him, "OH, and the following people were found dead with barbeque fork neck wounds: Brian McGee, Chucky Fitzhugh, Frank Grimes…"

"Ol' Grimey," says Homer.

"Erik Estrada and Lois Sanborn."

"Oh, so that's where Erik Estrada went," says Marge.

"Well, my name wasn't on the list," says Abe who then walks to the couch, "I'm bored, can we watch 'Matlock'?"

"You can't – ratboy and Lassie called the TV," says Homer.

"But I'm old," he says to Bart and Lisa, "and I could die any minute now."

"God willing…" Homer says in a barely audible voice.

"And I wouldn't be able to watch one more re-run of 'Matlock'."

"All the more reason to not let you watch it. You're old and have had your fill of television," says Bart.

"Yeah, we still have years to waste in front of the idiot box," says Lisa.

"I'm too tired to argue," and with that Abe's head falls back and he snores.

The Krusty the Clown Show comes back on. The audience is cheering wildly. Across the stage on a side wall is Sideshow Mel, blown against it under a huge pile of cherry-topped pies, which are running down the wall and piling up on the floor. Mel falls face first on the stage floor, not moving.

" **WOOOW!** Wasn't that great, kids?!" he walks over to Mel, "Give Mel a big round of applause! Krusty looks at Mel, "Stand up and take a bow!"

Mel doesn't move. Krusty kicks him lightly, then sees red on the wall.

"Ohhh, hoho, I hope that's cherry. And now an unexpected early commercial break."

Someone knocks on the front door. Marge walks over to answer it.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"I'm Mr. Bergstrom. This is the Simpson residence, is it not?"

Lisa's eyes open wide and she gets up and runs to the front door.

"Mr. Bergstrom!"

"Hi, Lisa."

"Lisa, aren't you going to introduce us?" asks Marge.

"Mom, Bergstrom. Mr. Bergstrom, mom. And that's dad."

"Hello," Homer waves after joining Marge.

"Mr. Bergstrom is out new school librarian."

Homer butts in, "Oh, so you're the one filling my kid's heads fill of ideas. When I grew up too much knowledge was a dangerous thing. It gave you hope and dreams. Well, I want my kids not to have and hopes or dreams, that way later in life they won't get crushed by reality."

"Ahem. Yes," Bergstrom says uncomfortably.

"What are you doing here?" Lisa asks Bergstrom.

"What are you doing _here_? You said you'd come to the library after school to study."

"Oh. Oh yeah, I must have forgotten," Lisa plays along, "Mr. Bergstrom is helping me study for History class."

"Wow, you're some librarian. Normally Lisa's teachers don't' really care, but you do. You're the nest school teacher in her life," says Marge.

"No, I can't lie to you – I am the best," he replies.

"Mom, I'm going to go study with Mr. Bergstrom."

"Okay, but be back before dark."

"I'm going to go, too, mom," says Bart.

Lisa gives Bart and annoyed look.

"Bye mom, bye dad!"

"Bye!" Marge waves as she watches them walk down the lawn to Mr. Bergstrom's small vehicle.

"Try not to learn too much!" Homer calls out.

"I promise!" Bart yells back.

Homer closes the door, "Now back to TV; teacher, mother, secret lover…" he walks in and finds Abe asleep but holding the remote; "Matlock" is playing on the television. "D'ooohhh…" he tries to quietly manually turn the channel vi aa knob on the front of the TV.

Abe suddenly wakes up from sleeping and snoring, "I'm watching that!" he then falls right back to sleep.

"Aggghhh. Nuts to this, I'm going to Moe's."

"It's Sunday," says Marge.

"Damnit!"

.

Mr. Bergstrom sits at a library table, while Lisa walks around and Bart looks through books in the Occult section.

"Oh my gosh, you're kidding me!" says Lisa in a shocked voice.

"No, I'm afraid not. I overheard Chief Wiggum say that between last night and this morning over a dozen men, women, and children we're attacked with barbeque forks."

"How'd this happen?"

"According to my research and sources, there's a new vampire gang in town; a group known as the Trio. Mean and ruthless. Also, they steal your valuables."

"Then I'll have to patrol tonight and keep a lookout for them."

"Lisa, you're not even trained in the use of any weaponry."

"They're just vampires; I've killed vampires before."

"The Trio will be different. This won't be like dusting Arby's employees and third graders. I'll go get a weapon…" Bergstrom walks back behind the desk to an area behind it not seen by patrons.

"Now there's weapons in the library? Man, this place is really coming alive," says Bart.

Bergstrom comes back out with a short wooden bo staff.

Bart whistles, "Super mega Whacking Day!"

"All right, Lisa, do you know what this is?"

"It's a bo."

"How'd you know that? Did your parents have you take martial arts?"

"No, my brother watches 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'."

"Yes, I understand. Let us begin," he tosses Lisa the shortened bo staff.

.

Mr. Burns sits in his office, sipping from a bendy straw in the neck of a dead young man. When he struggles to suck up blood, he reaches into a drawer and pulls out a bread dough rolling pin and works his way from the ankles up, pushing down. He then tries the straw again and successfully continues drinking. Smithers walks into the office.

"Here's the fang sharpener you requested, sir."

"Excellent. My bites should go as smooth as a hot knife through butter. Oh – some buttered toast would be good after I finish my drink."

"I'll get right on those as soon as I can. Sir, about that secret plan…"

"What? Oh, yes, my secret plan," he gets up and blood runs down his chin, "Look at those windows, Smithers. Tinted with darkness. Half the day I'm stuck in one part of the building or another, only able to go outside and experience life during the afterhours. For decades I have been unable to conquer this cursed town and reign supreme, all because of one nemesis. I call that nemesis _the sun_ ," he pulls out a remote from his suit pocket, "For centuries vampires, and possibly man, have yearned to destroy the sun. I'm going to do the next best thing – block it out…" he presses a button on the remote and a large rectangle on the floor slides open; Smithers leaps off it onto the stable not-moving floor.

A replica of the town rises out of the floor. A large grey poll on a hill rises and a large disk telescopes out of the top and angles, blocking the office lights.

"I call it the Blockage. Think of it, Smithers: not only will power usage and thus and thus profits necessarily skyrocket, but with eternal darkness comes an endless playground from which my army of soulless minions can harvest. My word will be law, blood will flow like a spring river, and there'll be shorter lines in Wal-Mart. Win-win!"

"But, sir, owls will deafen us with incessant hooting the town's sun dial will be useless, crops and all plant life will wither and die. My property value will significantly decrease. Sir, I don't know if I can go along with this plan; it's unconsciously fiendish."

"Huh! There has been a shocking decline in the quantity and quality of your toadying, Whalen, and you'll fall into line right now!"

"Yes … sir."

"There, that wasn't so bad. You know, I'm feeling much stronger now that my Vessels have filled me with two dozen victims. Still my net loss is so deep it'll take many more before I can break free of this barrier spell. But I do have enough energy to do _this!_ " he steps on one of the buildings, "Take _that_ Bowl-a-Rama! Take _that_ convenience mart" he steps on the Kwik-E-Mart. I'm bored. Stomp on buildings for me while I check my stocks."

"Yes, sir. Where would you like me to stomp?"

"Uuummm, the elementary school."

"The regular one of the West Elementary one?

"There's two? Either will do."

"Take that Springfield Elementary," Smithers stomps on it.

"Something over that way," Burns points.

Smithers stomps and then looks, "That that…" he reads the building, "Frank Grimes apartment."

"Now that way," Burns points elsewhere, not really looking.

Smithers again stomps without looking, "Take that, Wha … oh. That was my house. Swell."

.

Lisa walks her bicycle and Bart holds his skateboard as they wonder around town, looking for vampires.

"Man, I can't believe you told cowboy hat 'Deal with my going' and lied to mom about both of us spending the night at Milhouse's place. It's taken a few years, but I've finally rubbed off on you."

"Just keep an eye out for the Trio," Lisa says back.

.

The Trio walk down a quiet street.

"I smell fear and desperation," says Kearney.

They turn down an alley between two businesses and stop at a card board box.

"Umph!" Nelson grunts and kicks the box away to reveal Gil sleeping on newspapers and a U-Haul blue blanket.

"Give us your blood and your wallet," says Jimbo.

Nelson extends his fangs.

"Oh no – Gill really needs this blood!"


	5. Chapter 5

Nelson lifts Gil up by his neck collar.

"This is only going to hurt until you're dead," his fangs then lower.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…"

They hear Lisa's voice warn them and turn around to face her.

"Huh?" Jimbo says surprised.

"Simpson. And it looks like he brought his little sister with him," says Nelson at the head of the pack.

Kearney pounds a fist into his other hand, "We're gonna pound you into oblivion. And take your lunch money if you got it."

"So, you must be the three known as the Trio," says Lisa.

Nelson shrugs, "Eh, so the Master says. We're thinking The Good, the Bad, and the Fugly, but we can't decide which one is Fugly."

"The Master? Who's the Master?" Lisa asks.

"She's trying to talk us to death – get her!" Jimbo shouts out.

Lisa runs and leaps into the air with super strength toward Nelson, holding her stake. Nelson catches her by the throat. She swings wildly, but is kept at arm's length from his heart.

"Hey! Let go of my sister!" Bart kicks Nelson on one of his knees.

"I can't believe I went out with you," says Nelson.

Kearney and Jimbo chase after Bart.

"If it helps any, Nelson is the Fugliest!"

Lisa reaches down her shirt and pulls out her cross and presses it into Nelson's hand. It smokes and sizzles.

"Ow," Nelson says in an annoyed voice, dropping Lisa.

We see Bart squirt holy water at Kearney and Jimbo in the background with two tiny water pistols.

"You made my own skin sizzle."

"And now for the snap, crackle and pop!" Lisa says and lunges at him.

Nelson puts an arm out and a hand on her head, holding her back.

Bart squirts Jimbo in the face.

"Ow, my face! My young beautiful face!"

Nelson shoves Lisa backwards to the ground.

"Bart, there's too many of them! Retreat!"

"Boys, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. Come on Lis'!" he runs over and gets Lisa and they start to dash off.

Dolph suddenly jumps down on the ground from a fire escape ladder.

"We're fighting little kids? That's so lame," says Dolph.

"Get 'em!" Nelson commands.

Lisa again runs and leaps, landing on Dolph, who then falls backwards and trips over Bart who has bent down behind Dolph.

Lisa stabs Dolph in the heart, "You need a little stake in your diet!"

Lights shine down the alley.

"Huh – Lisa!" Marge shouts out.,

"Oh, no," says Dolph, "Now people will never learn my interesting back story."

"Mom!" Lisa yells back. She pulls the stake out and Dolph explodes into a pile of dust, leaving a skeleton.

" _Huuuhhh!_ " Marge exclaims in shock, "Get in the car!"

Bart runs to the car as Lisa backs away from the Trio while holding her necklace cross out. Lisa stops and runs in, slamming the door. Bart squirts holy water as cover as they Trio advances. Marge reverses up fast and gets out of the alley. They chase her into the street until she puts it into drive.

"Mom, how did you know we were here?" asks Lisa.

"I didn't. I just had mother's intuition and knew something was wrong. Also, I had to stop by the store to get a personal product. I won't even say what grandpa's been doing."

.

Lisa, Bart, and Marge stand in the living room talking while Homer watches TV; Maggie is beside him on the couch, petting the cat.

"I'm sorry," says Marge, "this is just kind of hard to get my mind wrapped around; vampires are real and it's your duty to kill them."

"Yes. Though it's a little blasé when you say it that way."

"Well, have you tried not being a Slayer?"

"Mooommm, I wanted a pony, not to be the Slayer."

Homer watches TV still. We see what's playing. A seedy looking man in an office is counting piles of money when the door is kicked in.

" _ **MCBAiN!**_ "

"Nice to drink you…" fangs lower from McBain's top jaw.

"Homer! This is a serious discussion regarding a member of the family; turn off the television."

"Ooowww…" he shuts it off via remote. "She gets it from your side of the family, you know. No demons on my side."

"Killing monsters is no kind of life for an eight-year-old to live. Right Homer?" Marge asks.

"I don't know, it worked for Van Helsing."

"You're not helping. Can't you just ask your Watcher, Mr. Bergstrom, to just find another chosen one?"

"Mom, it doesn't work that way. In order for the next one to be called, the current one has to die."

"Agh! My baby has a shelf life!" Marge panics.

"Oh, don't worry honey. Lisa's pretty bright; Lord knows we got lucky there. Maybe she'll be the first one to break the mold. Lisa, where do you see yourself twenty-five years from now?" asks Homer.

"Hum … well, I figure I'll fall in love young and drive him to be evil, possibly so I have a pretense to dump him, graduate early, possibly be President, have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young; I haven't decided yet."

"That's enough of those young romance novels for you," says Marge.

"Mom!"

"What about my future?" Bart asks.

Homer pats Bart on a shoulder, "We're already saving up your bail money."

"What is it about Springfield that attracts all these problems?" Marge asks, not expecting an answer.

"Mom, Springfield is located on a Hellmouth."

"A _what?_ " Homer blurts out angrily. He picks up the landline phone next to him and dials. "Mr. Pate, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me Springfield was built on a _Hellmouth!_ **NO YOU DIDN'T!** Well, that's not my recollection. Yeah, well… All right, good-bye," he hangs up and looks at the family, "He says he mentioned it five or six times."

"What I saw back there was my little baby struggling. If I hadn't come when I did, who knows what would have happened," says Marge.

"These vampires were more powerful than normal. They were apparently sired by someone named the Master," Lisa replies.

"Who's he?" asks Homer.

"I don't know; I just found out. I have to consult Mr. Bergstrom. He's training me in fighting techniques and weapons usage so I can take them on. I just got al ittle premature in slayage."

Abe walks into the room, "Baaarrrt, I accidentally used your tongue scrubber to get dead skin off my feet."

"Eeeeeuuuwwweee…" Bart shudders.

"That's wonderful. Now back to TV," Homer un-mutes the television to show a top-of-the-hour news report.

Kent speaks, "And we spoke earlier today with the survivor, Gil something or other. Roll tape."

"And this karate girl leapt through the air and fought then while I snuck away."

"Did you see anything else?" Kent asks, then putting the microphone back out to Gil.

"Yeah, do I get any money for this interview?"

"No."

"'cause Gil really needs the money."

The tape is cut away from back to Kent lie on the air.

"Early reports indicate – and these are very preliminary – that one of the vampires is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? A bunch of drunken frat boys? Beer bad, people. Oh, and the following peasants were found dead: Hercules Rockefeller, Rembrandt Q. Einstein, Hanson b. Wonderful, and Max Powers. That's your top-of-the-hour news report. I'll see you in one hour after Channel Six's special feature presentation 'McBain 7: Bite Hard with a Vengeance'."

.

"Imbeciles!" Burns barks and bangs a wooden table down in his underground lair beneath his mansion. "You're supposed to be out there acting as my Vessels and instead you're in here because two kids ran circles around you?!"

"They came prepared," says Nelson, "And one of them was super strong. She had moves like Chuck Norris or a superhero."

" _She_ you say?"

"Yeah, a little girl. She had a wooden stake, too," Nelson ads

"The Slayer! Who was she?" Burns asks.

"She's that Simpson chick," says Jimbo.

"Simpson, ay?" Burns thinks, "I knew that baby was going to come back for more of me."

"Sir, all the recent events in your life have revolved around them. You ran into their son, kidnapped their puppies and tried to make a coat out of them, and the female patriarch of the family painted you in the nude."

"Hum. I vaguely recollect all that. Now, I'm a generous man…"

"Oh, sir, could I borrow five dollars for lunch tomorrow?" asks Smithers.

"What do you think I'm made of, money?!"

"Sorry, sir."

"As I was saying: because of said generosity, I'm going to give you three one more chance. Now go!" Burns points.

The Trio head back up the staircase.

.

We see a knife thrust out, cutting side facing up.

"If some vampire tried to suck me, I'd take a knife and stab him good. UGH! UGH! Take _that_ , you lousy blood-sucking vampire! YEAUGH!" he cuts in the air.

"Dad, that's not how you kill a vampire."

"He could bleed to death, right?" Homer asks.

"Well, if you know how to kill them, sweetie, then how come you only staked that one boy?" asks Marge.

"They were too strong for me. Even with the increased strength that comes with the demon that powers a Slayer, I still don't have the size and muscle mass."

"Out of the way Marge – this is a job for Homer Simpson!" Homer then lowers down on a knee toward Lisa, "I got one word for you, Lisa: be devious."

"Dad, that's two words."

"Damnit Joe Biden Online School of Higher Learning!" he rips a diploma off the wall and tears it into pieces.

"What _did_ you mean, dad?" Lisa inquires.

"Well, honey, when the fight isn't fair, you counter it by being sneaky, underhanded, _un_ fair. For example: when daddy gets into a bar fight and the other guy breaks a bottle and thrusts the jaggedy edge at me, I act scared and draw back, giving the guy a false sense of victory. Then when his guard is down I smash a bottle over his head and knock his lights out."

"Dad, that seems wrong."

"Lisa, we're on a Hellmouth – they have the home town advantage. You got to even the odds a little. For example, when you said that Nelson kid held you back with a hand on your head, you grab onto him and hold onto his arm like a tightrope and bite him. When he shakes you off and tries to grab you, you roll between his legs and then stab him in a butt cheek. It won't kill him, but it'll take him out of commission for a minute."

"Hey, those are good ideas. Tell me more."

"Okay, honey, but it's a long vigorous process. You'll need to wash the car and wax on, wax off it."

"What does washing and waxing the car have to do with it?" Lisa asks him.

"Absolutely nothing; the car just needs to be cleaned."

"Oh, okayyy, let's just jump passed that part for now."

"Hey, I got an idea," says Bart. He pulls out his slingshot, "Lisa could use a slingshot like me to put their eyes out Ralphie style, using a rock. Like this," he spots a small rock on the carpet and picks it up to load it.

Abe walks back into the room, "Has anyone seen the kidney stone I passed last year that I carry around in my pocket for luck? Oh – Bart found it; never mind," he takes the stone.

"Eeeuuuwwwww…" Bart shudders.

.

CUT TO: A montage in the back yard to upbeat Alf Clausen music as Homer trains Lisa with dummies [you can't fire clause from this writer's imagination!]: scarecrows sticking out of the ground.

"No, no – don't jump and them stab, stab while landing; use the weight of your body. Try again. Plunge!"

Lisa runs at the dummy and leaps, staking it while lading, "Hooyah!"

"Move on!" Homer shouts.

The dummy bursts into flames. She runs back, turns around and runs at the next dummy.

"Plunge and move on!"

It bursts into flames, too. She runs and repeats the process a third time.

"Plunge and move on!"

Ned pops his head over the fence.

"Say Homer, about those cloths you borrowed; technically they're not fire proof."

"Shut up, Flanders."

"Right a'reno!" he disappears back behind the fence.

"One more time – plunge and move on!"

Lisa stabs the last one and it also bursts into flames. She presses down on the fake belly while holding onto the shoulders and launches herself backwards into the air, doing a somersault. She sticks the landing and does a curtsy.

"Wow!" Marge exclaims.

"That's my girl!" Homer says proudly. "I always knew you had that violent Simpsons spirit in you."

"thanks, dad! I can't believe you even rigged them to burst into flames, too!"

"I did?" Homer says dumbfoundedly.

"Let's go inside and I'll make my little Slayertrix something to eat after this work out," says Marge.

"Neat," says Lisa, who follows her in.

Bart stops Homer as he is about to walk in, "Hey, what about me? I got that violent plunging spirit, too."

"Huuummm … hold on…" Homer walks in and then comes back out with a black toilet plunger and hands it to Bart, "Here you go, son. This is a little more your area. Now go upstairs and plunge. And when you're done, move on to the Flanderisis' house; I promised I' plunge their toilet in order to borrow the cloths."

Homer goes back inside the house. Bart stands there furling his brow and looking pissed.


	6. Chapter 6

Monday morning. The school bus honks. The door to the VanHouten residence opens and Louann shoves Milhouse repeatedly out the front door. Milhouse runs to the school bus with a black leather jacket covering him. He gets into the bus and kids giggle at him. He sits next to Bart, smoking some.

"Hey, Bart."

"Wow, you're a vampire and your mom is still making you go to school?"

"I haven't told her yet. I'm afraid if I do she'll ground me."

"How do you plan to handle the day time?" asks Bart.

"I'm wearing long sleeve pants and shirt and wearing gloves, as well as a scarf. And I'm covered in layers of long-lasting sun screen."

"Hey, did you bring that five dollars you owe me?"

"Yes. I'll pay it back when we're inside."

"Milhouse, who is the Master?" asks Lisa.

"Master what?" Milhouse asks.

"The head vampire; the Master of them all."

"I don't know."

"If you're lying to me…"

"Lisa, it's not like we get a memo and a manual when we become a vampire," says Milhouse.

"Dang. I was just hoping to get lucky."

.

We see Springfield Elementary.

Mrs. Krabbappel writes on the chalk board.

"Okay class, since we finished early today, turn to chapter twenty-seven, page seven. Now that we're learned about Saturn, it's time to learn about Uranus. Uranus is huge."

Bart tries not to laugh.

"Uranus notably has a ring around it."

Bart giggles.

" _Bart!_ Is there something funny about Uranus?"

"Ah-"

"Don't' say anything. Now, it's so big that sixty-seven Earth's can fit inside Uranus."

" **HA HA HA!** " Bart bellows, pounding a first on his desk.

The bell rings and kids start running out of class for the lunch room.

"Make sure to look up Uranus!" Krabbappel yells out to them.

.

Bart and Lisa sit at a table in the library, eating their lunches as Bergstrom paces.

"Are you sure he said the Master?"

"Positive. He didn't say who it was though," Lisa replies.

"The Master is a very old vampire. His face is all wrinkly and scary and the Council is always surprised he's still around."

"Gary Busey?" says Bart.

.

"The last known record was a great battle at an undisclosed location involving him and group of Gypsy wiccans. The Gypsies were victorious. At the time – this was several decades ago before commercial airlines – the Slayer was on the other side of the world dealing with an urgent matter. It would have taken months for her to get there."

Bart reads aloud from an open book.

"Librum incendere."

The book catches fire and he closes it to put the flame out.

"Bart, don't' speak Latin in front of the books," says Bergstrom.

"Well, there's another problem: the Trio consist of the school bullies and they came to school today. Clothed head to toes and wearing sun screen," says Lisa.

"They certainly are a brazen bunch. As long as you don't' get cornered alone with them, you should be all right. It's not like they're going to attempt to kill you in plain sight. We'll just have to figure out what to do next."

"Why don't we just lay a trap for them?" asks Bart.

"Yeah, but what?" asks Lisa.

"Huddle around. I got an idea that's so good it's _Bart_ -tacular."

A door bursts open, revealing a panicked looking Skinner.

"There aren't any dead students in here, are there?"

"Not as such," Bergstrom replies.

"Good, good," Skinner says with relief, "then it's just in the second story hall men's room."

He disappears back into the hall.

"Shouldn't I go check on that?" asks Lisa.

"No, there'll be plenty of time to slay him tonight."

.

Skinner looks at a dead kid laying on the bathroom floor with a tongue hanging loose and his eyes open wide in shock.

Lunch Lady Doris drops the arm of the kid she was feeling the pulse of, "He's a goner."

"Damn, the barbeque fork bandit strikes again," says Skinner.

Doris rolls her eyes, "If that's what you chose to believe. At least in that reality the kitchen has a barbeque fork," she walks off.

"For crying out loud – for the last time: the budget can't afford it!" he yells to Doris.

A coroner zips the kid up in a body bag and dumps it on a gurney; he wheels it out and Skinner follows it out. He stops Jimbo who is at the top of the stairs.

"Thank you, Jimbo, for bringing this … _issue_ to my attention."

"You're like," he briefly chuckles, "welcome."

Skinner walks passed the coroner who walks backwards down the steps, letting the wheels on the other end of the gurney land on each step down. Skinner walks to the front doors and holds one open for the coroner.

"Try to see that he gets a … nice coffin."

Skinner lets go of the door to walk to his office when he hears a yell.

" _ **SKINNER!**_ "

"Agh! Superintendent Chalmers!"

"Why is it when I heard the words 'kid' and 'dead' I instantly thought of the name _Skinner!_ "

"While my students do have a tendency to die mysteriously each semester, I hardly think it's fair to associate my name with youth death. The kids are just prone to die. They're like two powerful magnets of innocence and death attract-"

"What is it with you and magnets? Always with the magnets."

"I didn't realize magnets were such a polarizing topic."

"Gah, stop it with magnets already!"

"Sorry."

"So what was it this time: Beheading? Barbeque fork injury? Pack of hyenas?"

"Barbeque fork neck wound. I honestly don't know how they managed to trip and fall on so many of them."

"It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

"I see. Well, I have to go come up with yet _another_ plausible reason for our annual average death count," Chalmers stops walking away, "Oh, and Skinner, permission slips are only for school outings, not year-long attendance," he then exits out the school entrance.

"Blast – I thought I was onto something there."

.

Later that day after school has ended and all the kids and teachers are gone, Jimbo, Kearney and Nelson enter the school and make their way toward the gym.

"Wow! I didn't know Skinner held a mountain bike contest. I don't even remember us entering," says Jimbo.

"Who cares," says Nelson, "free is free."

"Who ever said nothing is like is free, obviously never won a mountain bike before," says Kearney.

The enter the gym and see a large sheet in the middle with what looks like the contours of bicycles.

"Hey, Skinner! We're taking the bikes!" Nelson calls out, expecting to see Skinner.

They walk over to the sheet; Nelson grabs it and rips it off, tossing it away, revealing card board cut-outs glued to wooden boards on the gym floor. "Suckers" is written on them.

"What the…" says Kearney.

"Man, I can't believe we fell for that _again_ ," comments Jimbo.

"Nah nannie nah nah!" Bart yells out.

"Get him!" Jimbo yells out.

They rush the gym entrance doors.

"So long, suckers!"

Bart chains and locks the doors and runs away. Nelson tries the door once there and then yanks on then handle; the other two bang on the doors.

"I can't believe little Bart dude tricked us," says Jimbo.

"When I get out of here I'm going to bite him so hard," says Nelson.

"Bite this!" Lisa shouts.

They turn to see her holding a crossbow. She fires and hits Nelson about where his arm meets his torso.

"Ow. Get her!"

"I still miss my X, but my aim in improving!" exclaims Lisa.

"She's making puns, kill her!" Jimbo exclaims.

Jimbo reaches down with both arms to grab Lisa. Lisa rolls between his legs and pulls out a wooden cross which she presses into one of Kearney's legs.

"AGH!" he grabs his smoking knee (through the pants) and hops around.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you there's no smoking allowed in here?" Lisa says with mocking sarcasm.

Jimbo turns to go for Lisa again and he's hit with holy water from the Super Soaker Bart is firing from the overhead air conditioning tube.

"Oh no – my delicate but manly face!" says Jimbo.

Nelson throws a punch and Lisa ducts it; he throws another which she also avoids, but grabs onto his arm and is pulled up when Nelson instinctively draws it back. She uses the momentum to punch Nelson in the face. When she drops she springs off his fat gut and hits Kearney in the back, knocking him down.

"I see you're really starting to _fall_ for me, Kearney!"

"She won't stop punning!" says Jimbo.

Bart sprays holy water at Nelson to keep him off Lisa while she presses the wooden cross into Kearney's other knee; the sound of his knee sizzling under his long pants can be heard. He drops to his knees and Lisa quickly grabs onto his long sleeves and pulls him down. She holds Mr. Pointy out with the flat end to her chest and lets his weight from the fall impale him.

"Ah, nuts," Kearney exclaims before exploding into dust; his skeleton remains.

Lisa shoves the skeleton off her and sees Nelson and Jimbo pulling the sheet over themselves to protect them from the holy water.

"Now, Li'!" Bart yells.

Lisa runs away and Nelson and Jimbo give chase, awkwardly trying to keep the blanket covering them. She tops at the climbing rope and grabs onto it, putting her shoes on the knot.

"So long, boys. Things are starting to look … _up_."

Just as they are about to reach her, the rope quickly goes upward.

"What?" Jimbo says surprised.

It's then they notice the rope isn't attached to the normal spot on the ceiling, but rather leading up to and inside the air duct that Bart was firing from.

We hear Alf Clausen's triumphant ascending brass theme as Lisa is pulled in. Behind Bart in the tube junction is an electronic wench with the rope wound on it.

"And now for the finishing touch…" says Bart who then pulls over to him a big black suitcase with the words Li'l Bastard General Mischief Kit printed in orange on it. He opens it up to reveal several small cans of gasoline; he pulls them out to split with Lisa.

"Bart, where'd you even get all this gasoline?"

"I pilfered it from Willie's shed."

"What about the suitcase?" she says as they each kick out an air cover grate.

"Hidden in e a secret panel behind my locker."

"What about all the gas cans?" she asks as they uncap them and pour out the gas onto the gym floor.

"Lisa, it's best not to delve too much further into it."

"It's gasoline!" we hear Jimbo exclaim from down below.

They dump the final containers and then Bart hands her a match.

"Would you like the honors?"

"Might as well; I'm going to get blamed for it anyway," she then crawls back to the hole and sticks her head out, "Hey, vamptards – you're fired!" she strikes the match on the inside of the duct and drops it; the gas ignites in a quick blue-flame swoosh.

Lisa and Bart quickly make their way through the duct system.

"Still smells like greasy Willie in here," Bart comments.

.

Bart pushes open an air conditioning cover on a wall in the hall and climbs out, followed by Lisa.

"I did it, Bart! I trusted dad's advice and it didn't let me down for once! I kick serious as-"

"Ahem. Lisa Simpson."

They turn to see Skinner.

"Principal Skinner, was I just-"

Skinner interrupts her again, "Burning down the gym again? Yes, I can see that."

They look over to see smoke pouring out of the door cracks and light from the flames under the door in the darkened hall.

"Ah, sir, I can explain…"

"Oh, what is it this time – more asbestos? Lead paint? Do the showers and water fountains have chlorine which are turning the freakin' frogs gay?"

"Ahhhuuummm … hey, wait a minute. Remember that time I found a dead scorpion in my apple sauce and I didn't sue? Well, I'm calling in a favor," says Lisa.

"What did you have in mind?"

"You don't tell anyone I had anything to do with this. As far as you're concerned, you never saw me."

"Well, this is highly irregular, but alright."

"Thank you."

"Way to go Lis'; blackmailing Skinner like a boss," says Bart.

"Can I blame him?" Skinner asks.

"No, I have to live with him."

"Carry on then," he hears the screams of Nelson and Jimbo, "Lisa, I hate to have legal knowledge I'd be forced to recant in a court of law, but I can't help but note the terrifying screams coming from inside the locked and chained gymnasium. What really _is_ going on in there?"

"Well, if you must know, they're vampires."

"Oh … oh thank God. I thought it was cold-blooded murder. Normally I would expect that from Bart."

"Hey!"

"Ah, yes, vampires; I encountered those back in Nam. They crawled out of holes and caves at night and feasted on Charlie and any other man or woman they could get their claws at. Lost three good men to them. But enough reminiscing, I have a cover-up to construct."

"Come on, Bart," says Lisa.

As they head off, Bart turns to Skinner.

"Hey, how come every time I tried to haggle with you over not telling my parents, you said you don't negotiate with terrorists?"

"Heh heh heh, Bart, Lisa's not a terrorist." He turns and walks way.

After about a minute, Willie comes running around a corner.

"I'll save the wee li'l' vampire turtles!" he runs into a room and we hear biting and sucking noises. He comes running out with turtles all over him. "Agh! Save me from the wee li'l' vampire turtles! They were too big for me!"

.

"She tricked you?" Mr. Burns bellows; his arms flail about. "She walks free when I should be drinking her heart's blood right now?!"

Nelson and Jimbo stand before him, side-by-side; their cloths are still smoldering and pants are gone from the fire. Parts of Jimbo's face is melted by the fire that they survived by flying up and using the grate cover to break a window.

Burns scowls menacingly, "Careless…"

"We'll do better next time," says Nelson.

"Apparently they old adage of it you want a job done right, you must do it yourself is still apt," says Burns.

"Sir, you did say last time that they only had one more chance," says Smithers.

Burns walks around behind Nelson and Jimbo, "True, they did fail. Smithers, the taking of a life – and I'm not talking about humans – is a serious matter."

"So you'll spare them?"

"I am old and weary and their deaths will bring me little joy. NAOMPH!" he stabs Nelson through the back into the heart.

Nelson disintegrates into a dust, leaving behind a skeleton.

"Crap. I wish I had done more with my life. Specifically, more bullyi-"

Burns stabs Jimbo, too.

"Of course sometimes a _little_ is enough," he drops the fireplace poker, "Have the maid drag the skeletal remains to the side of the road for garbage pickup."

"Yes, sir."

"Look at me, Smithers."

"Already on it, sir."

"I'm so strong now I was able to break that tough layer of thin skin on my morning kid snack without breaking a sweet or bones. I just need a bit more and I can break free. If only the Vessels had succeeded.

"I can be your Vessel, sir – fill me."

"Nooo," he puts his fingers together, "I have a surprise up my sleeves."


	7. Chapter 7

"…and I was jumping here, and jumping there and punning like a pro, and I beat them!" Lisa says excitedly.

"Oh, Lisa! That's my girl!" Marge say thrilled, giving Lis a hug.

"I helped burn down the gym, too," Bart says in a desperate attempt to gain attention and praise.

"Bart, you're to supposed to set things on fire, "Homer says to him.

"This calls for a celebration," says Marge.

Homer puts his arms out, "I know – frosty chocolate milkshakes!"

"Yaaayyy!" Lis and Marge exclaims; Maggie sucks on her pacifier rapidly in excitement. They head for the front door. Holding the door open, Homer notices Bart has not joined.

"Coming along, son?"

"Nah, I'm not in the mood."

"All right. You can stay here and watch dad. TTFN!" he slams the door.

Abe walks into the room.

"Looks like it's just you and me, granpa."

"Bart, I accidentally went to the bathroom in your tree house. By the way, there's no toilet paper up there."

"Ewwwuhuhuhuh…" Bart shudders.

.

The next morning. Lisa wakes up and notices the sun is brighter than usual. She checks the clock and sees it's 9:30. She throws her sheets of, hops out of bed and runs to Bart's room. She shakes him.

"Bart, wake up! Out clocks didn't go off; we're missing school!"

Bart pulls his pillow over his head, "Let me know when we've missed it entirely."

"Oh, no – I'm missing valuable learning time!"

"Good morning, Lisa, good morning Bart," Marge says as she passes by the door carrying a basket of dry laundry.

"Mom, we're missing school! More importantly, _I'm_ missing school!"

"I'm afraid there won't be school for the rest of the week, honey," she sets the basket on the bathroom toilet and begins re-stocking the bathroom.

"Why?"

"They said on the news this morning there was a fire and smoke damage."

"Oh, yeah…" Lisa says, just now realizing the consequences.

"No school for the rest of the week? All right!" Bart exclaims, throwing his arms in the air.

"Relax, Bart; your attendance was just a formality anyway," says Lis sarcastically.

"You'd think I'd be offended, but I'm not," Bart replies.

"So, mom, you're not angry at me for burning down the gym again?"

"Umhum ha hum hum," she hums while folding towels, "no, honey. You're the Slayer and Principal Skinner hasn't' called to complain, so I assume it was all in the line of duty. It was in the line of duty, wasn't it?"

"Yes, mom."

"All right then. Just try not to burn down our home in the line of duty."

"Hey, how come Lisa gets to set things on fire and I don't?"

"Well, Bart, when it's your duty to save the world, then we'll talk," says Marge.

"No fair. Ralph's dad lets him set things on fire."

"Bart, if everybody jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"Um, that depends – does it have a skateboard ramp?" he asks, putting a hand on his chin.

"Huh – Bart!" Lisa exclaims.

"What?"

"Krusty!"

"Bye, mom!" Bart runs.

They run downstairs, plant their butts mere feet from the television and scoot up quickly. Bart turns the TV on and turns to the channel Krusty is on.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! It's recently come to my attention a good portion of my audience is now the living dead. Or, to be politically correct, soulless Americans. So, if you'd like to drink some of Krusty's blood, send six dollars in a self—addressed envelope to: Drink Krusty's Blood. P.O. Box 666…"

The doorbell rings.

"Kids, could you get that for me?" Marge calls out from upstairs.

"Man, I gotta do everything around here," Bart mumbles as he walks to the door. He opens the door and stands in the shade of it, revealing a female mail carrier, "Ah ha, we meet again…"

We see a flash back of Bart answering the door to her in the past.

"Lady, where's my spy camera?" she and Bart say at the same time.

They repeat it to each other with little variation until she explodes.

"Here's your stupid spy camera!"

"Oh. Thanks ma'am."

The flashback ends.

"I know you're not expecting any packages; you have no power over me!" she exclaims.

"Well, I'll just have to order something then. A vile of Krusty's blood hanging around my neck ought to do it."

"Here's the stupid mail. And this package has to be signed for."

Bart signs "I. P. Freely" on an electronic device. She hands him the package.

"Oh, and this letter is for you."

"Keep up the good work, toots," he slams the door on her. He looks at the box. "NeckWow? Junk," he tosses it on the couch with the rest of the mail.

He flips over the fancy envelope addressed to himself. A golden sticker seal keeps it closed. He rips the envelope open and reads it aloud.

"Dear Bart Simpson, you are cordially invited to Montgomery Burns' personal residence after the noon to collect your prize of one dirt bike?! I knew Milhouse was a liar!"

"Wha?" Lisa says, not really paying attention and instead transfixed on the television.

Bart puts his blue cap on and turns it backwards; he walks to the door and applies lots of sun screen from a bottle in his back pants, "Tell mom I'll be back when I feel like it."

"Tell mom you'll pack hens and eels in tin…" Lisa repeats back.

"Good news, kids!" Krusty shouts, "Sideshow Mel was upgraded to _stable_ condition early this morning and is back for more action!"

" **YAY!** " the audience shouts, many of them sporting fangs.

Mel walks out from a side of the stage, his head wrapped in gauze, bandages in various places, and an arm in a sling.

"Feeling better, Sideshow Mel?"

Sideshow Mel blows his slide whistle and pulls it down, for a descending note.

"wonderful! Now, I thought we'd ease you back into work by slapping one or two pies in your face. Would you like that?!" he says excitedly.

Mel again plays a descending note. The vampire kids in the audience hiss.

"Oh, I don't think the audience likes that answer; looks like they're starting to get bitey…"

Mel rolls the only visible eye and blows a quick ascending note, to indicate his lack of caring. The vampire kids snarl and rush the stage, running and flying. They pile on Mel, knocking him flat to the stage floor. We see one of Mel's arms and both his legs sticking out of the mess of kids, flailing about; the unseen arm frantically blows the slide whistle.

"Eeewwwah," Krusty grimaces.

.

Some time passes and Lisa reads from a school text book while on the living room couch. She points to a page while Maggie sits beside her.

"And that's Abraham Lincoln. Can you say Lincoln?"

Maggie just sucks on the pacifier and paws at the page.

"He was the 16th President of the United States of America. And contrary to that ridiculous silly book of fiction, he was not a vampire slayer. Though I am."

The doorbell rings. Lisa hops down off the couch.

"I'll get it," she calls out to Marge.

Lisa opens the door to see Mr. Bergstrom.

"Mr. Bergstrom! What are you doing here?"

"I have important information to discuss. Is there some place we can talk in private?"

"It's okay – mom and dad know now, too."

"Lisa, it's hard to keep a secret when everyone knows."

"Then I won't wear my 'I'm a slayer, Ask Me How' button."

"Is your mother home?" he takes his hat off.

"Yes. Why?"

.

The three of them sit at the kitchen table, with Marge holding Maggie.

"I was researching more deeply into the Master and happened upon old text of prophecies foretold of then future Slayers. I happened upon a section describing a Slayer of high intellect in a time of horse-less travel and sunlight harnessed in the dwelling of every individual, would confront the Master. She would be led by someone she does not know, or maybe she does – it's not entirely clear – to a final confrontation with the Master, where … the Slayer as we know her shall cease to exist."

"You mean … I'm going to die?"

"Nooo, my baby!"

"But I haven't even gotten old enough to get into elected office to impose what I think is correct upon my stupid constituency, since I of course know better, yet."

"Agh! That's it – no more slaying for you! I forbid it!"

"Mom, that's absurd. I'm the only Slayer."

"I'm afraid your daughter is correct. Lisa is the only one with the strength and skill to kill the demons, vampires, and assorted evil things of the night. The Hellmouth draws them here and those with plans of domination or those seeking street cred, will hunt down and try to eliminate her."

"Well, I prefer to ignore this until it flies up and bites me in the ass," says Marge.

"Mom, that's irrational."

"Then I'm irrational," she bounces Maggie up and down.

"Okay mom…"

.

Homer walks into Moe's Tavern.

"Hey, Moe."

"Hey, Homer. Shouldn't you be with your family doin' whatever it is families do?"

Homer plants his butt on a barstool, "Nah, Marge's two sisters are coming over. Or as I call them: the gruesome two-some."

"What'll it be?"

"Just a beer."

Moe pours it and hands it to homer, "Here ya go."

Homer drinks some and then smells the air, "Hey, what's that smell?"

"Thee, ah, expired peanuts, pungent urinals, mold and mildew, or the dead rodents in the walls?" asks Moe.

"Don't forget the smell I just ripped!" barney exclaims, followed by a loud belch. "Oh, make that _two_ smells."

"The pleasant smell," Homer answers.

"that? It's my church air freshener I hung behind the bar. Seeing as hows I'm banned from there, I needed something to repel the vampires," he lifts the air freshener shaped like a small church with a steeple up and sniffs it, "Oh yeah, smells like church."

"Does it work?" Homer asks.

"Not really, though it does sort of repel Barney," Moe holds it outward at Barney.

" _AGH!_ " Barney bellows, shielding his face with his arms. "Keep it away from me! Why does it smell so clean?!"

Moe hangs the air freshener back up behind the bar.

The bald regular with the stray hairs lowers fangs and reaches over to bite the one with the hat and glasses.

Moe points to him, "Hey! I'm gonna have to charge you if you suck his blood in here!"

The bald man retracts his fangs.

"Say, Homer, can you hold down the fort for a minute while I go use the can?"

"Sure thing, Moe."

"Thanks, Homer."

"Hey, I'm up to four smells; I forgot about my body odor and that thing down my throat," says Barney.

Moe pushes the men's room door open and it swings shut behind him.

"Oh. Oh God no!" we hear from inside the bathroom. The door pops open when Moe falls head first out and on his stomach, "My God the fangs are sharp! Somebody help me! Oh, why won't somebody help me! I'm within ear shot and nobody will answer my pleas for help! It's like an awful movie or TV show where nobody can hear you if you just walk half a dozen feet away and still speak at full volume!" he gets dragged in and the door swings back and forth until it stops. "Oh my life of unrepentant sinning has finally caught up with me! Why won't anybody help me?! I'm gonna die and I never tasted cantaloupe!"

"What did Moe say?" Barney asks Homer.

"He said he's gonna get some pie and elope," homer says without a hint of caring, focusing on his beer instead.

.

Lisa can be heard upstairs playing the blues on her saxophone while Marge, Patty, and Selma are talking downstairs in the living room.

"…and I put my foot down and that was that. No baby of mine is going to die fighting vampires, prophecy or not."

"Way to fight the tide of history, Marge," says Patty.

"What about you two – how's your week been?"

"Selma found a man."

"Oh," says Marge, "he's not a convicted felon or a washed-up actor with a bizarre fish fetish, is he?"

"No," Selma replies.

"Good."

"He's a vampire," says Selma.

"So your new boyfriend is a blood-sucking creature of the night?" asks Marge.

"Hey – don't knock him; vampire or not, he maybe my only chance to get married before it's too late. I gotta hook him and reel him in before I'm older, fatter and uglier."

"Well, I guess we can have him over when Lisa's out and not invite her to your wedding," Marge ponders.

"What about Bart; is he going to try to kill my boyfriend, too?" asks Selma.

"No, he's just a normal little boy. Say, where is Bart – it's after dark?"

.

After hours of piddling around town, Bart finally arrives at Mr. Burns' mansion. After skateboarding up the long drive to the front door, he rings the doorbell.

Smithers opens up and greets him, "Come on in. Mr. Burns' has been expecting you…"


	8. Chapter 8

Bart walks down the winding staircase into Mr. Burns secret lair.

"Man, I hope it's cleaner down there than it is so far here; I wouldn't want my dirt bike to get dirty."

He continues walking. A big spider the size of his head scurries across the wall, pauses briefly to look at Bart with its three black eyes.

Bart sees the sign Milhouse saw, "I know I probably shouldn't do this, but when will I ever be back here?"

Bart pulls the SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE level down, flattening the steps into a slide which he goes down.

"Whoa baby! Wwweeeee!"

He slides onto the floor, with his hat tumbling on him, having fallen off mere feet from the floor. He looks around and sees Mr. Burns at the top of some stairs leading up to another portion of the deep lair. He morphs into a bad and flies down.  
"Bitchin'!"

Bat Burns morphs back into Mr. Burns; his long red robe falling to the ground and his butthead hair fluffing back up. He holds his arms out menacingly and lowers his fangs.

"Well, if it isn't little…" he looks off for a couple of seconds to think, then looks back, "boy."

"Bart."

"Oh, I think not; long ago my pap pap taught me not to name your food – you're only going to eat it later. 'Later' has arrived, my pudgy little friend!"

"Sir, wait," Smithers calls out, again having taken the secret elevator down.

"What? Oh! Where are my manners? He removes a bib from inside his robe and ties it around his neck.

"No, sir, not that."

"Oh, right – salt; the secret Gordon Ramsay trick to making everything taste better."

"Mr. Burns, I was perhaps thinking instead of stuffing another corpse into a tree, since the current tree is getting full—"

"Nonsense, the last tree held nine victims!"

"Ah, can I go now?" asks Bart.

"Shut up, Bort!" Burns replies back.

"Bart."

"Continue, Smithers."

"As I was saying, instead of creating a new corpse, how about creating a new Vessel?"

"Hum well, I was going to suck him dry to teach the Slayer a lesson, but this might work."

"You're the Master? Who would have seen that coming?" says Bart.

"Smithers, is _stupid_ passed on through the blood?"

"No, sir."

"Hey! I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid! When I tell my sister you're the Master, she's gonna stake your ass. She's powerful _and_ strong, like a miniature Red Sonja."

"Powerful you say? Of course – why didn't I think of it! Say Bort."

"Bart."

"How would you like to become a vampire? And not just any vampire, but the Anointed One?"

"Hell yeah I'd like to be a vampire! Wait, am I allowed to curse?"

"As long as you're on my property, you can curse as much as you please. Are you ready?"

"Bring it on; I was born to be the living dead!"

Mr. Burns bites down and sucks Bart's blood.

Smithers grumbles, "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride…"

Burns stops and then offers his wrist to Bart.

"Whoa! I can fell the demon empowering my body! The embiggened strength, resiliency, and killer instinct. Actually, the evil killer instinct is about the same," he lowers is fangs, bites down, and drinks from Mr. Burns.

"Are you ready for your mission, my pudgy Anointed One?"

"Oh, yeah, I probably should have asked if there was a catch," says Bart.

"I want to size up my opponent, so I want you to slip this dinner invitation into the mail tomorrow so no one but your family will know you were here," he snaps at Smithers and we hear creaking sounds, "Smithers, hand him a generic trap dinner invitation."

.

Bart stops outside just before leaving Mr. Burns' property. He takes a deep breath, "HHHUUUHHH … _FU_ -"

CUT TO: Birds and bats startled and flying around. Flanders sticks his head out a window.

"Huh! Dear Lord, that was the loudest profanity I've ever heard!"

He goes back in and just as he shuts the window, a vampire bat flies in.

.

Homer sits on the couch watching a movie review.

Jay Sherman sits in a chair, next to a green screen; a movie poster is shown, "And my next review is…" he sighs heavily, "'Vampire Space Mutants 4: The Voyage Home'. AKA: The one with the killer vampire whales. Featuring new depths of awful that make you feel as if you were nearing the seventh circle of Hell, out lead, played by washed up actor Troy McClure…"

"Uuuwww, killer vampire space whales," Homer says with some excitement.

"Homer, it's passed dark and Bart isn't home yet. I called Milhouse's place and checked his treehouse, but he isn't at either. By the way, we're going to have to have a talk with Bart about what _is_ and what _is not_ a bathroom."

"You want me to go find him?"

"Yes please."

Homer just sits there watching the TV.

"Now, Homer, not whine that stupid show is over."

"Awwwoooh," he whines and gets up.

"It stinks!" we hear Jay exclaim.

Homes goes outside just as Flanders is walking a trash bag out.

"Hey Simpson. Check out this mysterious ancient amulet I found at a yard sale," Flanders says, pulling up the amulet from under his shirt.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll borrow it later. Gotta go be a good parent and find out where my son has vanished to for several hours."

He closes the car door one in, starts it, and backs up. THUD; he hits something and quickly puts it in Park and gets out.

"Please be Flanders, please be Flanders, please be Flanders…"

He sees Bart getting up.

"D'oh! Let's see … two arms, two legs, or is it three? No, two. Head's still on, not bleeding. Whew! I didn't Snowball you. Let's get inside," he lets Bart go ahead, "Come on in."

Homer shuts the door and calls out.

"Marge, I'm still a good parent – look at what I found!"

Homer then walks over to the couch and sits back down. As he sits we see Lisa run away from the house with a satchel on her back with Slayer weapons.

Marge comes dashing over, "Oh, Bart – where have you been?" she hugs him.

"Hello mother, hello father, I missed you during my uneventful absence."

.

Bart enters the bathroom and closes the door. When he reaches for his tooth brush, he notices he has no reflection in the mirror, with only his pajamas visible.

"Cooooolll. If this was a mirror maze, I'd be a superhero."

He holds his tooth brush and squeezes toothpaste out onto it. Reaching up to brush, he stops when he can't see his mouth.

"Well, that's a problem. Hey, maybe it's Satan's way of telling me I don't have to brush my teeth anymore. Hum, probably not."

He looks down at his toothbrush to guide it to his mouth and then brushes cautiously.

.

Bart and Lisa watch "Krusty the Clown" the next morning.

"Wasn't that a great 'Itchy & Scratchy' cartoon, kids?!"

" **YAYYY!** " the kids cheer.

Bart laughs hysterically and pounds the carpet with his fists. He looks over at Lisa, who isn't laughing.

"Why aren't you laughing? This is comedy gold."

"Mr. Bergstrom told me yesterday I'm going to die."

"We all gotta go sometime."

"I'm nine years old. I don't want to die."

"Thems the breaks," Bart gets up when he hears the mail being dropped through the slot.

Bart bends over to pick up the mail; he hums and sings as he does it and secretly inserts the invitation in.

"They took her to the grave yard, and they buried her in the sand, oh yeah!"

Marge walks into the room.

"Did I hear the mail come in?"

"You sure did," Bart says, handing Marge the mail.

"Hum, bill, bill, junk, bill, Pete Porter from Pasadena? Junk … oh, what's this? Bart, Lisa – Mr. Burns has invited us all to dinner at his place tonight!"

"Free food in someone's else's mansion after dark – what's not to love" Bart comments.

Lisa replies to the comment, "Having dinner with the man who hit you with a car and wouldn't even pay the medical expenses, and who stole Christmas for four years."

"All in the past," Bart sits down on the couch.

Marge sniffs the air, "What smells like sun screen lotion?"

.

Later that day; Homer walks in and shuts the front door. He undoes his tie as he walks to the couch to sit and watch TV.

"Honey, I'm home!"

As he's flipping channels, Marge comes into the living room.

"Hi, Homie," she leans in to give him a kiss, "don't get comfy; we got a dinner invitation."

"Woohoo!"

"From your boss."

"D'oh!"

"It's for after sunset, so I'm getting ready now," she walks out.

"Ooohhhwah. Gotta see my liver-spotted boss after work," he stops on channel six.

"And don't' eat anything until we're there; it's bad manners to already be full at an arranged dinner," Marge calls out.

"But I'm hungry," Homer complains to himself. He reaches into a pocket and pulls out a pack of Tic Tacs, "Serving size: one piece; yeah right," he rips the plastic lid off and dumps the whole contents into his mouth.

Kent Brockman sits at his anchor desk.

"And police are saying if you have any information on the barbeque fork killer or giant lizard people, please contact the Springfield police department. In other news, the following inconsequential peasants are dead," he reads the time on his watch while he apathetically rattles the names off, "Pete Porter, Bort Sampson, Miguel Sanchez, Spirceroy Rizzlebottom, Muddy Mae Suggins, Penelope Olsen, Steve Bennett, and Grifty McGriff. And now for sixty seconds of puppies," he pasues and undoes his tie, "That ought to hold those little SOB's. Huh? The feed is still on me? Oh dear…"

Homer comments, "They're as dead as 'Sherfiff Lobo'," he spots the NeckWow box on the desk next to him, "Oh!"

.

Mr. Burns sits in his library room at a desk, sharpening his fangs. Smithers walks in.

"Sir, there's a Democrat pollster wanting signatures to-"

"Release the vampire hounds!"

"Ah, sir, we don't have vampire hounds."

"We don't? I thought we did."

"Actually, sir, that was a crappy movie starring Norm MacDonald."

"Do we have anything that sucks blood to unleash?"

"Um, only your lawyers, and they're six hundred dollars an hour."

"Ooph, very well. Release the sufficiently regular hounds!"

"Ah, sir, your unsuspecting prey is already exiting the perimeter gate; it's too late," Smithers points at a monitor.

"Damn tarnation! I need my hounds fix. Buzz in the next Jehovah's Witness or save-the-whales fellows, and sick the hounds on them."

"As you wish."

They hear a buzzer and a ceiling speaker pumps out a voice.

"I'll do it, Homer. Hello? Simpsons, party of five. We have a invitation," says Marge.

"Five? You, me, Bart and Lisa."

Mr. Burns plugs his hears annoyedly, growing impatient already.

"You're forgetting Maggie, Homer."

"Oh, yeah."

"Release the bounds!" he unplugs his them.

"Um, sir, those are the Simpsons; you trap invited them to dinner. Their daughter's possibly the Slayer."

"Simpson, eh? I won't forget that name. Buzz them in."

We see the gate open and the Simpson car enter.

Marge messes with Maggie's hair as they drive up.

"Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?" Marge asks.

"Yesss…" Homer, Bart and Lisa respond in unison.

"Homer, did you remember to leave your father something to eat?"

"Of course!"

CUT TO: Abe sitting alone at the kitchen table. Beside a plate of food is an empty can of dog food. Abe uses a fork to scoop some up as he reads the paper; he chews it, "Hey! This is the same garbage they feed us at the old folks place!" he scrapes it off onto the floor where the dog promptly gobbles it down, "Here you go, Satan's Little Helper. I'm going to go raid the pantry. Maybe it comes in a different flavor."


	9. Chapter 9

Misses Hover's class sits and waits. Hoover finally enters the room, trailed by Skinner who stops and waits to the side. She bas tears running down her face and a large bandage on her neck.

"Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor and I've been bitten by a vampire. Principal Skinner will be running the class. Oh, dear God," she puts her hands on her face and cries as she leaves.

"There, there, Elizabeth. Get well soon," he says to her as she exits. She cries harder. He walks to the chalk board and writes his name, "Okay, I'm Principal Skinner, your temp teacher. So, what were you kids learning?"

Sherri raises a hand and says, "The man from Nantucket."

"Yeah, he had a horse, "Terri says. They giggle.

"Hum, I don't recall that. Was he the other man who made the midnight ride to warn that the British were coming, aside from Paul Revere?" he puts a hand to his chin to think. "How does it go?"

Sherri speaks up, "Well, he loved his horse so much that he fu-"

The view cuts to the hall and we hear Skinner's voice loudly exclaim, "AHHHAUGH!"

.

Some hours pass. Lisa walks to her next class, having gone to see Mr. Bergstrom while all the other students are at recess. She stops after passing the open door to Mrs. Krabbappel's class room. She doubles back and sees Bart and Milhouse reading a comic book with each in a desk pulled side-by-side. Both Bart and Milhouse are covered head-to-toe and have hoodies pulled over.

"Bart. Why aren't you two outside for recess?"

"We decided to stay inside and catch up on the latest issues of Radioactive Man. Why aren't _you_ outside?" Bart asks.

"I had to see MR. Bergstrom, plus I wanted a chance to do some more studying."

"Studying? Lisa, I don't think you understand what _recess_ is."

"How come you're wearing a hoodie as well?" Lisa asks Bart.

"Ahhh, I'm hoodie brothers with Milhouse."

"And earlier on the bus I noticed you smelled like sun screen lotion," says Lisa.

"You're never too young to star avoiding cancer," Bart replies.

Lisa gasps a little and then asks in a shocked voice, "Bart, you're not … a vampire, are you?"

"Of course not."

Lisa pulls a cross out of her backpack and thrusts it at Bart; he hisses and recoils, turning his head as his fangs come down. Milhouse turns too and covers his face with the Radioactive Man comic book opened.

"Oh my God! No!" she backs off and runs away.

"Hey, your sisters saying that like being a vampire is a bad thing."

.

Lisa cries with her head on head on a library table.

"Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry."

"It just can't be," she lifts her head, "surely there must be a kind of spell to reverse it."

"I'm afraid I know of no such spell. And even if there was, such magiks would be in the dark arts where you would be dealing with forces and powers you cannot comprehend; where when you are given, something is taken; where you can unleash Hell with the best of intentions. You know what must be done now."

"Well, I don't care what must be done; I may have joked about killing Bart or thought about it in the heat of anger many times, but I'm not doing it."

"Well, Lisa, you killed Milhouse; slaying is like riding a bicycle – once you do it, you never forget. Just think of Milhouse when you stake Bart."

Lisa sighs, "I didn't kill Milhouse."

"You didn't kill Mi … you have actually killed vampires before and not just lied about i9t, right?"

"Yes, I've killed vampires. Killed three the other night when I snuck out."

"Lisa, ordinarily a Watcher wouldn't have to say this, but as _thee Slayer_ , you have just one job…"

"I know, I know. Milhouse is drinking blood bags; he's too pathetic a loser to hunt and drink. And mom and dad will just have to start buying them for Bart, too."

"Okay, I understand. Here's my number," he hands Lis a card, "IF you need me to come over and slay your brother for you-"

"No!"

"Anyway, I want you to stay after school for some more training and-"

He stops speaking when one of the doors swings open and Bart walks in.

"Bart!" Lisa says surprised.

Bart sits at the table and starts flipping through books.

"So, what the verdict? You gonna stake me or not?"

Bergstrom whispers to Lisa, "Just turn around for ten seconds and I can take care of him right now…"

"No. But I'm telling mom."

"You little weasel."

"They have to know, Bart. You need regular blood supplies and eventually you'll have to tell them to avoid the sun light."

"Well, that blows," he stops on a page in a book, "Whoa, cool – the Mark of Eyghon; that would be one sweet tattoo."

"No," Bergstrom rips the book out of Bart's hands.

"Bart, I'm sorry to break it to you, but being a vampire isn't a walk in the park," says Lisa.

"Unless it's a walk in a park full of thick-necked marks," Bart retorts.

"If I die, the next Slayer will slay him, won't she?" Lisa asks Bergstrom.

"It is normally a Slayer's sworn duty, yes."

"Nah, she won't slay me; I'm too important – I'm the Anointed One."

"Hold on a second – did you say Anointed One?" asks Bergstrom.

"Yeah. I see my reputation proceeds me."

"What is it?" Lisa asks Bergstrom while he digs around in the books and pulls out one.

"The prophecies…" he flips through the pages, "Yes … yes I was right. The Anointed One will lead the Slayer to her doom. That's where you die facing the Master."

"Bart, who sired you?" Lisa asks him.

"Mr. Burns."

She looks at Bergstrom, "Didn't you say the Master was old?"

"Yes I did. But it's not necessarily him. How many people are there in Springfield around his age?"

"Hum … just two; his mother – who could be the Master, and some old guy I saw on the news, but he seems normal. My money's on Mr. Burns. He was born with an evil stick up his butt."

"Will you stake Milhouse?" Bart asks.

"No."

"Come on ... I'll give you five dollars to dust him."

"Bart, I don't think you understand the irony in that statement," Lisa shoots back.

"Yes I do. To read makes our speaky English good."

"Bart, why don't you go practice this magic spell with Milhouse," says Bergstrom as he writes down some words on a piece of paper and hands it to Bart.

"Cool," Bart says and dashes away.

"With all due respect, are you insane? You just entrusted Bart with magic!"

"Oh, it's harmless; it just says: Kolchek, Mannix, Banaceck, Dano."

"What does that do?"

"It turns on a television set to CBS. Your basic beginner's black magic."

"I see."

"Now that he's gone, let us strategize on how to defeat the Master."

.

Lisa comes running through the front door. Marge sits next to Homer on the couch; it's later in the day and he's already been to Moe's.

"Mom, dad, Bart's a vampire!"

"He came back to life. Good for him," says Homer, flipping channels.

"Lisa," says Marge, "that's a very serious accusation; are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories; Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells, now let's go back to that ... building thingy, where our bed and TV is," says Homer.

"Dad, we're already there."

"Whew, that saves some time."

"Bart, no! My precious little boy!" Marge exclaims, the realization having finally sunk in.

"You became a vampire without out permission? Go to your room!" Homer points upstairs.

"Um, no," Bart replies back.

"Well, what can you do," Homer drinks some Duff.

"Homer, this is serious," says Marge.

Abe walks into the room holding a wooden stake, "Quick! We have to kill the boy!"

"How'd you know he's a vampire?" Marge asks Abe.

"He's a vampire? AAAGGG!" Abe drops the stake and runs out of the living room.

"Homer, we have to do something. Today he's drinking blood, tomorrow he could be smoking," says Marge.

"So far Bart assures me he's only drinking bags of blood and not people."

"Hum," Marge thinks and then says to Bart, "Have you tried not being a vampire?"

Lisa and Bart look at her.

"What? This is foreign parenting territory for me. It's got to work eventually."

"Mom, being a vampire isn't a bad thing. I'll live forever, I can fly, I have super strength…"

"But you're a demon with no soul. Though I still love you," Marge says back.

Abe walks back into the room, "I forgot what I was doing. Oh, Bart, I accidentally used your Krusty toothpaste as Vick's Vapor Rub. Don't worry – I wiped it all off me and shoved it back into the tube."

"Eeeuuuwwweee…" Bart shudders. Bart walks to the front door, "That's it, I'm blowing this popsicle stand."

"Bart, where are you going?" Marge asks.

"Mr. Burns' place. There I'll be appreciated for the demon I am and encouraged to do worse. Also I can curse."

"Bart, nooo!" Marge yells, chasing after him. Bart flies away into the creeping night; the sun already having set.

Abe comments, "That vampire is evil I tells ya, evil!"

Marge runs back over, "homer, we have to do something!"

"Mom, it won't be that easy. Mr. Burns sired Bart _and_ he's the Master – the head evil vampire in Springfield."

"And he's my boss. Look, I want Bart back as much as you do, but I also want my job. And we have bills to pay. Let's just cut our loses and hope for the best with our two remaining kids."

"That's not good enough. We've got to go over there and get out son back!" Marge orders Homer.

Homer then says, "Or we could just have another son."

"No!" Marge shouts back.

"Fine," he pulls out the rifle from under a couch cushion Maggie is sitting on, "To the _Simpsonmobile!_ "

They go outside to the car. As Homer puts the key to the driver's side door lock, Rod and Todd walk over.

"Hi Mr. Simpson," says Rod.

"Mind if we ask you a … _biting_ question?" Todd asks.

Homer points and rifle; BAM! He fires on Rod. BAM! He fires on Todd. They both burst into dust clouds.

"Huh, dad – you killed the vampire Tod _and_ the vampire Todd!" Lisa exclaims.

"They were vampires?"

"It's getting harder to suspend my disbelief," says Lisa.

"Let's go save the boy!" Homer shouts.

Triumphant music plays as he backs up (hitting the trash can) and then drives away.

CUT TO: Them sitting in a line at a Krusty Burger. Marge and Lisa look impatient.

"What? I'm hungry. Tell you what, we'll get Bart one, too."

.

Homer screeches to a stop a couple dozen feet from the front doors to Burn's mansion. He honks three times and then gets out; Marge stands by the car and Lis stays inside, playing it safe and assuming she'd exacerbate the situation.

"Hey, Bernsie!"

The doors open and Mr. Burns and Smithers come out but remain on the upper stairs platform (having seen the car drive up via security cameras). Bart stands in front of Mr. Burns, who has his hands on Bart's shoulders.

"Smithers, who the devil is this?"

"Homer Simpson, sir; one of your doughnut pushes."

"Doesn't ring a bell," he then shouts to Homer, "What in the blazes do you want?"

"I respectfully and politely demand that you return our son this instance! Or whenever it is convenient for you. Or else I'll have to ask nicely again!" Homer shouts.

"Oh, I think not. The lad is with me now. Isn't that right my fat little Anointed One?"

"Yeah, I'm not going back!"

"Baaarrrt, there's a Krusty Burger in it for you," Homer persuades.

"Forget it, Homer," Bart replies back.

"Fine! Then I guess I'll just have to eat that hamburger myself!"

"I think you should leave now," says burns.

"Or you'll what? Release the dogs? Release the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, so when they bark they shoot bees at you? We go ahead – do your worst!"

"My _worst_ , ay? Smithers, release the robotic Robert Pattinson!"

A door slides up on one of the thick pillars and a pale emo-ish-looking robot walks out.

"I'm an angsty angst-ridden vampire – love me for no good reason."

"Huh? Ewww…" Homer backs away. "He's so sparkly."

"Watch me sparkle and brood for no apparent reason," says robopattison.

" **AGH!** " Homer runs away and hops into the car. Marge gets back in when the robot starts coming their way. Homer lays rubber getting away.

"Excellent," says Burns.

The robot starts coming Smithers and Burns' way.

"Smithers, turn off the one-dimensional fruity robotic Robert Pattinson."

"I'm trying; he's not responding to the remote control signal," Smithers says, repeatedly pressing a button on a hand-held remote.

"Increasing sparkle luminosity by fifty watts."

The sparkles glow very brightly.

Mr. burns covers his face a with his arms, "Agh! Sixty watts!"

"Don't worry, sir, I'll take care of him," he pulls out a pump-action rifle and points, "Now is the twilight of your dawn, sparkles!"

He fires and blows a hole in the Pattinson-bot's head. It looks at them and the hole seals back up like in "Terminator 2".

"Increasing sparkles' flicker rate by thirty percent."

"Run to safety ,sir; I'll go get the liquid nitrogen intruder-deterrent hose!"


	10. Chapter 10

Lisa sits at the kitchen table having breakfast, looking solemn, stirring a spoon in her cereal.

"This may be the last bowl of Fruit Loops I ever consume…"

Behind Lisa, Marge finishes preparing lunch; she realizes she's made two – on for Lisa and Bart. She sighs heavily.

Homer comes walking in, "Well, how do I look?"

"Stupid. And fat," says Abe who is also sitting at the kitchen table.

"Who asked you," Homer shoots back.

"Fine…" Marge answers in a sad voice with her eye lids down low.

"I mean my neck. Look at how shiny and clean it is! This NeckWow is a miracle polisher. They say cleanliness is next to Godliness; my neck is 90% God!"

"Yes, it's shiny, Homie," says Marge.

"Dad, I can't believe you're going to work for a man who not only wants to rule over the town, is the head vampire, has Bart, sired Bart, and is foretold to murder me."

"Oh, honey, when you grow up you'll think your boss is an evil jackass, too; and maybe he or she will be, but the lack of jobs prospects, mortgages, and three kids will force you to do things you told yourself you'd never do and crush the remainder of your dreams. All for a paycheck and free doughnuts," he leans down and gives Lisa a kiss on a cheek; then he gives Marge a kiss on the mouth, "Love you, gotta go," he grabs his sacked lunch.

.

Skinner walks around in his office, awaiting buses of children to arrive. He holds a fishing line tied around a doughnut-shaped magnet which he uses to pick up staples and paper clips.

"Awww, magnets; is there no problem they can't solve?"

His office phone rings; he walks over and lays the magnet in an empty cardboard box aside his desk. He sits and answers the phone. Behind him another dray-erase board; the new one reads: Days Without a Fire: 3.

"Hello, Principal Skinner speaking. Oh, Mr. Mayor, I … yes. Yes. I understand. You can count on me, sir. My lips are sealed."

He hangs up.

"Hummm … I wonder if I can make some kind of magnetic lip sealer…"

.

CUT TO: Mr. Burns in his office watching the monitors as the planet employees trudge in.

"Never have I ever seen so many unappealing necks before. It's at times like this I'm glad I prefer necks that are fresh and nubile."

"Sir, your secret contractors, Barry's Fast & Furious, reports the sun blocker will be ready within the hour."

"Excellent," he continues looking at the colorized security camera footage, "Wait a minute, go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?! I'll have none of those free-thinking anarchists around here!"

"I'll call security, sir."

"Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already paid for themselves."

"Modern technology marches on, sir," Smithers says after hanging up a phone. We see a security officer yank Lenny away.

Burns then sees Homer enter; the neck gleam causes him to squint his eyes and turn his head, "Smithers, who is that man?"

"That's Homer Simpson, sir, one of your Happy Meals with legs in Sector 7-G."

"Simpsons, aye? Doesn't ring a bell."

"Well, you turned his son, and he's the father of Lisa Simpson – the Slayer."

"Ah, yes. So close to the unveiling, I think one more monkey wrench ought to assure chaos in her life. Smithers, lay him off for a week. Without pay. I know how much you love making those announcements."

"Yes, sir, I do," Smithers holds up a microphone which ties into the plant's intercom system, "Attention personnel. Keep working during the following announcement: The following workers are laid off for one week effectively immediately without pay: Simpson, Homer. That is all," he turns the microphone off.

They both laugh and clap their hands.

"Sir, I enjoy being your spider-eating man-bitch."

"We know what you enjoy."

.

Lisa sits in class waiting for Skinner to come in and start it. Instead, after a minute misses Hoover walks in.

"Good morning, class. Turns out I'm not going to die. You see, children, my vampire bites turned out to be psychosomatic," she writes the word on the chalk board. "I'll spare you the details, but I assure you I'm legally sane enough to continue teaching."

Ralph looks over at a window, having seen something out the corner of his eye, and sees a gigantic pole slowly telescoping up from the ground.

"Misses Hoover," Ralph raises a hand.

"Yes, Ralph?" she says while flipping open a text book.

"There's a big pole rising out of the ground."

Hoover rolls her eyes, not even looking, "Oh, Ralph, remember that time you said Snagglepuss was in the yard? Or that time you said the substitute teacher was a giant praying mantis?"

.

Bart walks into Mr. Burns' office.

"Hey, Master – what's shakin'?"

"Ah, my protégé, come over. How would you like to have a hand in casting Springfield into eternal darkness this bringing forth the great demonic harvest?"

"Sure. Deep down I always knew I'd have a hand in it."

"Just push this big red Easy Button."

Bart presses it, "Nice button."

"Thanks. I stole it from a production house."

.

A stop the giant pole blades spin out from a big dot and form a circle; the pole angles steadily and slowly a giant shadow casts across Springfield.

The shadow casts across Springfield elementary.

Hoover looks out the windows, "Well I'll be damned."

Lisa looks as well, "Oh no…"

.

Chief Wiggum walks with Lou, eating a big hotdog. The shadow casts across them; the street lights cut on.

"Oh, cool, a total eclipse of the sun," says Wiggum.

"Ah, Chief, I don't think that's an eclipse…"

The door to a business opens up and a man ducting to exit, stands up, several heads above Wiggum and Lou. Wiggum quickly pulls out his firearm and shoots the man, who collapses to the side walk.

"Chief, that wasn't a monster; that was the captain of the high school basketball team."

"Ummm … he was turning into a monster," he holsters his gum and presses the button down on his shoulder walie-0talking, "Dispatch, inform all units to be on the lookout for talking plants, lizard people, and the barbeque fork killer. ME and Lou are proceeding to the doughnut shop with caution."

The shadow creeps over the Kwik-E-Mart.

"Should I change out the bullets to silver ones?" Sanjay asks Apu.

"No hurry. Vampires are better customers – they don't steal drinks or try to use fake I.D.'s to buy beer. And in today's modern society they're lazy and mostly sit in their crypts binge-watching TV series while munching on many many tasty snacks purchased from our local friendly convenience mart," Apu then points at a customer, "Hey, this is not a library; either buy the magazine or put it away and leave and come again!"

.

Inside a seedy motel room Mayor Quimby and one of his mistresses fondle and kiss each other under a bed sheet. The shadow creeps in through the window, working its way up, making the room dark. Quimby claps his hands twice and the lights come on.

"What in the blue blazes?" he gets up and holds a sheet over the front of him in order to look out the window; his fat bare ass exposed. He sees the sun blocker, "Can't this town go one month without an apocalypse?"

.

Homer sits on the couch watching TB and drinking beer. The TV show he's watching cuts to a station I.D. card as they shadow creeps over the Simpsons house.

"We interrupt today's episode of 'Passions' to bring you the blatantly obvious," say the announcer.

"Aghoh, but Timmy fell down the well," says Homer.

Marge turns on the kitchen lights.

Kent runs over and sits at his anchor desk, wearing shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a gold necklace, "I'm Kent Brockman and the town of Springfield has been cast into darkness."

Marge turns on the living room lights, "Homer, we have to go get Lisa out of school before the vampires get her!"

Homer stands up and pulls the rifle out of his pants, "To the Simpsonmobile again!"

.

As Homer backs out and stops in the street, Maude runs up to the driver's side.

"Oh, have either of you seen Ned? He disappeared a few nig-"

BAM! Homer shoots her. She falls to the ground.

"She was a vampire," Homer says dismissively. He pulls away.

"Ahhh ... her corpse is still there…"

"Vampire corpse."

.

Lisa runs into the library, having ditched class in an uncharacteristic move.

"Mr. Bergstrom!"

"I know!" he comes out of the back with weapons, "If the Trio spread the word you were the Slayer, vampires from every corner of this town will be descending upon the school to try and bag a Slayer. Get your stuff, we have to leave _now!_ "

.

After a number of minutes Lis and Bergstrom come running out of the school. Just as they make their way down the steps, Homer brings the car to a screeching halt. He honks the horn.

Marge yells out, "Lisa, honey, get in!"

A vampire in old-timey clothing walks up.

"To bleed, or not to bleed…"

Lisa runs and leaps at him, staking him in the heart and then jumping off him.

"Is this the end of vampire Shakespeare?" and with that he bursts into dust.

Dr. Nick stops in front of the car and they enter it.

"Hello, everybody!"

"Hi, doctor Nick!" they all say out of habit, except Bergstrom.

"Am I the only one who finds this bizarre?" Bergstrom asks.

"I'm going to need everyone to present their necks for random healthy blood tests; health department orders!"

"Floor it, dad!" Lisa yells. She points and fires a crossbow, hitting Nick in the chest.

"Bill _this!_ " Homer shouts and runs in and over Nick, speeding away.

Nick sits up.

"Those felt like Michelin tires; been a while since an ex patient ran me over with those," he then looks down at the arrow, Hum, that must be one of those non-killing arrows," he pulls it out and liquid pours down his shirt; he reaches in and removes a flask, "Oh no! Not my pre-surgery whisky!"

.

Homer screeches into the driveway; no vampires can be seen.

"I don't see any vampires. I guess they must be trying the school first," says Lisa.

They exit and head to the house. Three vampires hop over the hedges and rush them.

"AGH!" Marge shouts. Homer unlocks the door and they pile in quickly. Before he can shut it, the vampires run head-first into the protective invisible barrier that keeps out un-invited vampires.

"Lock the door!" Marge yells to Homer.

"Dad," Lisa says when Homer comes back with a dining room char and props it up under the front door knob, "vampires can't come in unless you invite them."

"Really?" Marge double checks with Bergstrom.

"Correct," he says to her.

Homer backs away toward the couch, looking at a window where the vampires are rubbing their faces on it, watching them.

"But they're leering at me!" says Homer.

"Homer, stop looking at the them. Here, watch some TV," says Marge who turns it on.

 **Ding dong!**

"I'll get it," Homer walks back to the door and opens it. A vampire in a UPS uniform stands there.

"Special delivery."

"Oh! I wonder what it could be," says homer.

"Want me to come in and place it down?"

"Well…"

"Homer, he's a vampire!" Marge yells.

Homer slams the door and then sits down again. **Ding dong!**

Homer gets up and opens it, "Yello?"

"Pizza delivery…" another vampire says, fangs down and carrying a pizza box.

"Eow – pizza! Come-"

"No, Mr. Simpson – he's a vampire!" Mr. Bergstrom yells.

"Owww … couldn't we just invite him in, take the pizza, and stake him?" asks Homer.

The vampire shakes his head "Yes".

"No!" Lisa yells.

Homer closes the door and before he can sit back down on the couch, it rings again; **ding dong!**

"Hello?" Homer says, not opening the door.

"Plummer," says a voice.

"Hum, I don't recall calling a plummer," homer ponders.

"Telegram," says the voice.

"I will say good day to you, sir," he sits back on the couch.

 **Ding dong!**

"Who is it?" Homer says again through the door.

"Publisher's Clearing House…"

"Huh! Ed McMann!" he swings the door open.

"Heeeyyy-ooohhh…" says yet another vampire, fangs down and lines of blood running down his chin and neck. In his hand is a piece of card board with 'one million dollars' written on it.

"Honey, we won!"

"No!" Marge yells.

"Moron!" Abe shouts.

Maggie sucks her pacifier angrily.

"Don't make us cut your hands off, dad."

Homer slams the door and sits back down.

Marge sits down and hugs Maggie, "Um, well, I guess we'll just have to make due, living here."

"I'm afraid that won't do," says Bergstrom, "If eventually they don't' set the house in fire or use human sacrifices to draw you out, you'll simply run out of food."

"And beer. AGH!" Homer yells, putting his hands on his face.

"And beer," Bergstrom repeats in an annoyed tone.

"Then what can we do?" Marge asks Bergstrom.

Lisa stands up, "There's only one thing _to_ do."

She goes to her satchel she hangs a cross around her neck, pulls out two miniature water pistols full of holy water and sprays her neck. She slings the satchel over her neck.

"Lisa, what are you doing?" asks Marge.

"Saving the town and meeting my destiny, mom," she runs to the front door and swings it open, running out and spraying vampires on her way to her bicycle.

"Lisa, **nooo!** " Marge yells out horrified.

Abe speaks up, "If she dies can I have her room?"


	11. Chapter 11

Mr. Burns stands on his office balcony watching lights come on all over town.

"Look at it, Smithers; power flowing and lines throbbing with electric juice. Almost erotic, isn't it?"

"No comment, sir."

"So, what do you think, Anointed One?"

"Can't say I disagree with twenty-four hours of mischief time. Wait, what about plants?" Bart asks.

"They'll just have to grow somewhere else."

"But my dog likes to pee on bushes and trees."

"There's no shortage of things he can urinate on now," Burns replies.

"Oh. You're probably right. What about all the kids? There won't be sunny days to go around and explore or spend at the beach."

"A small price to pay for becoming the evil overlord of this pathetic dumphole," says Burns.

Bart walks back into the office.

"And Lisa's life will be ruined. And it would be colder all year long," he ponders, "I think I've made a mistake," he says to himself.

"Well, sir, it's about noon. What would you like to do now – slaughter some innocents? Lead a vampire horde to town domination? Go on the local news and gloat?"

"No," Burns walks back in, "I'm tired. I think I'll go home and take a nap. You stay here and take care of business."

"Yes, sir."

Burns morphs into a bat and flies out the open balcony doors.

.

Some time passes. Lisa sneaks in through a window she broke open at Mr. Burns' mansion. She walks around cautiously.

"Mr. Burns … slayer here. I'm hoping we can _cross_ paths," she holds out a wooden cross with the long end honed to a fine point.

As she makes her way deeper into the mansion, she spots a locked door with a sign that reads: Secret Lair: Do Not Enter.

"Well, that's handy."

She looks around and listens for anybody else around; hearing nobody, she grasps the lock firmly and coughs at the same time when she yanks it down, breaking it open. She enters and looks down at the long winding staircase in front of her.

"This one is for you, Bart," she says and then sits on the railing, facing inward and leaning in so she doesn't fly off the rail, which she then slides down quickly, racing toward the bottom.

At the end of the rail she flies off and hits the floor, rolling around a few times; the contents of her satchel spill and roll away from her. As Lisa picks them up, we see Burns' shadow pass over her; she stops and drops everything, opting instead for the crossbow.

"Look at you, trying to do what's right…" Burns slinks around a pillar.

Lisa turns and fires quickly, hitting the pillar where she thought he was.

"I'm waiting for you…" his voice echoes in the cavernous lair.

"The wait is over!" she jumps to the other side of the pillar and Burns is not there.

"Oh, good – the feeble banter potion of the fight," Burns' voice echoes all over.

"What? My banter isn't feeble; it's witty and biting. No pun intended."

She looks around confused. Behind her the Burns' bat glides down to the floor and morphs upward into Mr. Burns. His long boney fingers reach out.

"Come to me…" he says; Lisa is pulled across to him by his ancient-one light telekinetic powers. He grasps her firmly, "I want this moment to last…" he lowers his fangs, "But not passed sunrise – that's normally my bed time."

.

Bart, sitting at Mr. Burns' office desk, watches a monitor from a security camera in the lair. He sees Burns capture Lisa.

"Oh, no – he's gonna kill her."

"No, the blood lose will technically kill her," says Smithers, smiling.

"I've got to stop him!"

"Well, I'm afraid I can't let you leave. I have all the necessary implements to keep you here and-"

Bart presses the red button under the top edge of the desk and a trap door opens, which Smithers falls into.

" _ **Yeeeaaaggghhh!**_ " his voice fades quickly.

Bart flies out the open balcony doors, fast.

.

Lisa struggles in his Burns' grasp.

"You're the one that sets me free. Your Slayer demon fuel will super charge me and give me the power to finally allow me to break free. If you hadn't come, I couldn't go. Think about that," he sinks his teeth into her and drinks.

Lisa's eyes glaze over and her arms go limp to her sides. Burns finishes and lets go. She falls face first into the pool of blood and doesn't move.

Mr. burns yawns and stretches.

Suddenly Smithers falls out a chute hole in the wall onto the floor.

"Dear God where was I?" he says, covered in black smear marks and cobwebs. He dusts himself off and stands up. Part of a human skeleton falls out of his coat. "Sorry to report, but the Anointed One has betrayed you."

"To be expected. Oh well, mission accomplished anyway. Ah, Smithers, you missed the big finale."

"Sir, you can finally break free now?"

"Oh, yes. Come, Smithers…"

They take the elevator up.

Several minutes later and Mr. Burns and Smithers stand at the perimeter gate, with a golf cart behind them. Burns runs his fingers across the perimeter barrier, which hums deeply and gives off a blue bioluminescent light.

"If I can face my fear, it cannot master me. Smithers, face my fear for me, will you?"

"Sir, I don't think that's how it wor-"

"Face it or I'll give you something to be afraid of!"

"Sir, the spell is upon you, not me."

"Ooph – I've got to do everything around here," he once again touches the barrier, this time stepping forward.

The barrier lights up widely and hums in a warbly way. When Burns breaks through it, it burst like a blown bubble.

"You did it, sir! Shall we go and amass your loyal army of the living dead now?"

"No, I still want to take that nap. Got to rest up for enslavement and butchering later. And you, my slacking friend, are supposed to be at the plant."

"Sorry, sir," Smithers takes the golf cart they drove to the gate in, to the plant.

.

Vampires hiss and scatter as Reverend Lovejoy cuts on big sun lamps used to grow crops indoors, on in the back of a church van.

"Eat the sunny rays of Jesus, you heathenly heathens!"

Marge and Homer run out and to their car. Once in, they buckle up. As Homer buckles we see grandma Flanders wandering in Ned's front yard. Homer stops, his eyes grow wide and he becomes eerily still.

"Urge to kill: _riiisssiiinnng_ …" he then strokes his rifle.

"Homer, let's go – they're throwing things at the car!"

Homer snaps out of it, "Homer Simpson to the rescue!" he peals out of the driveway.

We hear the heroic building Alf Clausen theme, which abruptly ends when we see the car parked at Moe's and Homer running inside.

"Give me one beer, Moe!"

Moe and non-vampire patrons load guns and check flashlights, "No can do, homer. We're busy."

"D'oh. Busy doing what?"

"Me and some of the boys are going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You wanna come with?"

"Ow, I got to go save my daughter. And son. Again. I could really use a bottle of inflated self-esteem."

"Ah, what the heck. Here's one for the road," Moe grabs a bottle and hands it to Homer.

"And here's a wooden stake to protect yourself with. You just drive it threw their hearts."

"Vampires, right?" Moe asks.

"Them, too," Homer replies.

"Oh, oh, nooo," he holds the stake in his right hand, "this won't work; this is a right-handed stake."

"Couldn't you just switch hands?"

"Nah, no. Nope, I need one of them left-handed stakes. Have you seen Ned Flanders lately?" Moe asks.

"Ahhh, nooo," Homer turns around and walks out, opening the Duff and taking a drink, "What a moron," and he then opens the door and gets behind the driver's seat.

He drives away. As he does so we see the yellow and brown Weasels dragging Jimbo and Nelson's skeletons on the side walk.

.

Bart flies straight down the length of the spiral staircase; foregoing the stairs in order to get down there faster. He looks around and sees Lisa face-first in the pool of blood.

"Huh!" he flies quickly to her and drops to the stone floor; the sound of his shoes hitting the stone floor echo in the cavernous lair.

Bart pulls her out and lays her on her back; none of the blood sticks to her or stains her. He attempts CPR.

"Oh, crap – I don't have any breath. My days of spit-balling are over!"

Bart looks around figuring out what to do when he hears Marge yell out.

" **Lisa!** "

"Mom, hurry!" he yells; then he adds, "Hold Maggie tight and pull the slide lever!"

Homer reads the sign, "Hum, SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE," he pulls the lever.

They slide down fast; Homer hits the bottom and his weight causes him to continue forward and whack his head into the floor.

" **Son of a!** "

Marge slides down safely and sees Lisa, "Oh my God – Lisa!"

She hands homer Maggie and runs over. Homer gathers some of Lisa's things.

"Mom, I have no breath; I can't give her CPR. She was face-first in that pool of blood over there!"

Marge performs CPR and keeps repeating the process until finally Lisa starts coughing and hacking up blood. Bart and Marge prop her up and she continues coughing.

"Honey, you're alive!" Marge shouts with tears of joy.

"I am…" Lisa says in a surprised voice.

"How do you feel?" Homer asks. Maggie plays with a wooden stake Homer has picked up.

"I feel … stronger."

"Great, then waxing the car later should be a piece of cake."

"Strong enough to go take on Mr. Burns again," she stands up and makes fists.

"Honey, don't tempt fate; you survived once," says Marge.

"This isn't over until he's dead."

"I'd kill for you," says Homer. He leans in and says in a more disturbing voice, "Please ask me to kill."

"Thanks for saving my life," Lisa says to Marge.

"You're welcome. But you can also thank your brother; he pulled you out of the blood pool."

"Thanks, Bart."

"Any time, Lis'."

They hug.

Homer hands Lisa her satchel, which he has filled. She slings it back over her neck, pulls out Mr. Pointy and spins the stake in place, grabbing it.

"Time to pull the plug on this ancient one."


	12. Chapter 12

The Simpsons look around the lair as they follow Lisa.

"There he is," Lisa says, pointing to a coffin with the lid shut and a paper note hanging off one of the carrying handles reading: Do Not Disturb.

"You know, Lisa," says Marge, "Maybe I overreacted about this whole Slayer thing. Sure it's dangerous and sure you almost died, but look how it's brought us together. When's the last time that happened?"

"Yeah, we really should go out and kill old people more often," says Bart.

Lisa pushes the lid open. Inside is Mr. Burns, fast asleep. She raises the stake up and faces the point downward. She pauses for a second and then looks at Homer.

"Here, dad; this one's for you."

He takes ahold of Mr. Pointy.

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

Maggie moans and reaches out for the stake, sucking on the pacifier multiple times.

"Aaahhh, look – Maggie wants to kill Mr. Burns, too," Homer says in a softer voice.

Maggie makes repeated stabbing motions in the air.

"Remember dad: You must drive this stake right threw his heart."

Homer looks at Mr. Burns, who is holding his teddy bear Bob, raises the stake and plunges it down, "That that! Vile fiend! Agh! Dgh! Ah!" he bellows as he pounds it in with a wooden mallet.

"Ah, dad, that's his crotch."

"Huh ho, sorry," he shakes it loose and out and then repositions it over Burns' heart; he slams the mallet down, "AGH!"

Burns awakes and wriggles in pain, contorting his face in horror.

" **Aaaaggghhh!** " he yells and then disintegrates, leaving behind a skeleton.

"Whew," Homer exclaims.

Burns reforms quickly, "You're fired!" and then disintegrates again.

"D'OH!"

.

They all walk out the front door of the mansion together.

"And that takes care of that," says Homer.

"I guess it's official: the Springfield Slayer is here to stay," says Lisa.

As they near the car, the shadow of the sun blocker moves quickly away; they see the blocker collapse to the ground, sending up some smoke.

CUT OT: Moe, Lenny, Carl, and other cheering, having brought it down with chains around it and their trucks.

"Hey, the tip fell down into the cemetery," says Carl.

"Don't worry about it," Lenny replies.

We see the view of the long poll move all the way to the top end, which is resting on the rubble of a tombstone it smashed. One of the larger chunks as the name "Grimes" on it.

CUT OT: The door to a supply closet in the power plant, opening.

"Will I ever see you again?" asks a scantily-clad woman.

"Sure, baby, next apocalypse," he says while fixing his tie and leaving the closet.

CUT TO: The Simpsons.

"Woohoo!" Homer exclaims, raising his fists into the air.

"All right!" Lisa joins in.

Bart's head catches fire.

"Ah, Bart, the sun screen is wearing off; your head is on fire," says Lisa.

Homer opens the trunk.

"Climb in, boy," he pats the trunk lid.

Homer slaps him on the head hard to put the fire out.

.

Some minutes later. Homer spots a roaming horde of gypsies in a large carriage being pulled by horses; he slows down and stops aside it, rolling his window down.

"Hey, gypsies!"

"Yes?" asks an older female gypsy.

"Will you curse my son with a soul for five bucks?" Homer asks.

"Sir, you're stereotyping gypsies as all being mystical and versed in the dark arts."

"Five bucks, take it or leave it," he says impatiently, waving five one-dollar bills around.

She grabs the bills, "for an extra five I'll throw in remorse and suffering so he shall forever be repentant, be a good boy, and never do-"

Homer interrupts her, "What do I look like I'm made of, money? Soul him."

"As you wish…" she makes motions with her hands and then chants, "Zabor, Kiesge, Caldor, Wal-Mart! Houdini, Soze, Penn and Teller!"

Golden rays briefly shine out of the trunk.

"It was a pleasure doing business with you," she says and pulls out a card; she uses a hole punch to punch a hole in it, "Buy nine soulings and your tenth one is free."

"Eoow," he says excitedly, taking the card.

Bart says from the trunk, "I can't tell; is this a soul or am I just bloated?"

.

Once home they all settle in. Homer heads for the couch.

"I don't think this town will ever know how close it came to danger," Lisa comments.

"Homie, turn on the news so we can see they are saying," says Marge.

He turns it on.

Kent speaks, "…and in our final story of the five o'clock news, local townspeople in flagrant violations of the law, trespassed and destroyed private property, in order to restore sunlight to Springfield. Police say while deemed heroes, charges are being filed. We spoke to the district attorney fifteen minutes ago and he has this to say. Roll tape."

The screen cuts to a goat repeatedly sucking a bottle over and over and over again.

.

 **-THE END-**


End file.
